Week in Review

This week I:

Cut my bangs and hair much much too short

Felt utterly hopeless

Overcame my hopelessness without meaning to or trying

Decided against writing a 25 things list despite my many tags

Saw Australia (the movie) and missed the place of the same name miserably

Loved my roommates

Adored Cade and Gheybin's new place in Salt Lake

Played with no less than four puppies

Modeled at UVU

Had my car towed while modeling at UVU

Started two crocheted beanies and tossed one of them

Listened to a lot of Broken Social Scene and 808's and Heartbreaks

Decided to live

And talked on the phone to some of my very best friends

some ranting, some raving

I haven't been updating this as much lately. I was talking to Elisa the other day and I admitted I've stopped writing in here because it stopped being mine a while ago. The fear of who was reading it, the idea of writing to and for other people frightened me and so I began to feel myself unworthy of writing in my own meager little blog.

So, if you don't like it, bugger off. I'm going to try to write more anyway. Because honestly, I need it. I bottle too much up when I don't write regularly.

I'm feeling pretty weird tonight. I think it's stemming from a few things:

1) I hate my job. A lot. So much so that I've started a work day count down until I can go back to school. 98 days left. When I do go back to school, I'm going to have to find a part time job somewhere else, and I'm ok with that. I want to be able to afford school though, so I've got to save up as much money as possible. I've decided to start donating plasma twice a week. It's good money and I'll be helping people (who work for the big bad pharmaceutical companies... but still). I hate needles, so I'm really hoping I can go through with this. It'll pay rent each month if I can.

2) Our house is a mess and it's driving me crazy. I'm not always the neatest person. My family knows this. I can be messy as all get out. But I'm also a germ-o-phobe. This may sound weird, but let me explain. There's a difference between my germs and other people's germs (to me obviously. I don't mean that in a neurotic, "my germs are better than your germs" kind of way). There's a difference between living in my "mess" which is more an assortment of piles that I've strategically placed and know the contents of in depth; and living in someone else's mess, unable to find my other shoe or that tank top I just got last week or the hat I took the tag off this morning. And our carpets are disgusting.

I've called a cleaning company to have them come help us clean deep since none of us seem to know how to really scrub a shower or a kitchen floor or a toilet. And I've called a Chem Dry down here to come clean our carpets right after Christmas. I'm hoping this will make me feel better about where I live. Because as is, it's stressing me out so much that I can barely think about anything else when I'm home, but it's so overwhelming I can't seem to start on it in any direction.

3) I just want to learn to sew but the mess we have everywhere and the fact that I can't bring myself to do anything at home but obsess over how messy it is or watch movies or sleep means I haven't been focusing on it like I'd like to be. I want to get my skills up to at least intermediate so that I can take the intermediate and advanced classes as BYU this Spring and Summer, but if we don't get this place under control and my desk cleaned off and my little craft area set up, I'm not going to be able to get it done. I've started sewing lessons but the past two weeks just haven't worked out and I'm starting to get frustrated with it.

4) I'm not spending nearly enough time reading or finding new music. Two things I love and used to do regularly but these days just don't seem to make time for. It's driving me nuts. Every time I scroll through my Ipod I get annoyed.

So, those are the things bothering me in order of importance. The job thing is 98 work days away from being solved. The clean thing is hopefully 21 regular days away from being solved, or at least taken care of for a little while. The sewing thing will hopefully work itself out once the messiness does. And I'll just have to take more time for reading and music surfing now and then.

Ok.

Problems identified, plans made.

In good news: I like John-Ross. I like my friends. I love my roommates. Elisa's almost convinced me to join 24 hour fitness because they have a pool that's open 24 hours a day (!!!). I love weekends. I love discussing projects with Olivia - we're going to have a booth at a hip craft fair in the spring. I'm off of accutane and glad for it! (just a few more months and I can start getting my eyebrows waxed again. yessssss). I'm nearly done with my year of depression meds then I can go back to being an N instead of an S. Or maybe my full S will come out, who knows. Crappily great and greatly crappy 2008 is nearly finished. And Christmas is almost here!

All very good things.

That's life for now I guess. A little yin, a little yang.

You've got to believe in treasure to find it

Jordan and I watched King of California tonight. I loved it. It's bittersweet and charming in a completely quirky kind of way.

I've been a little depressed today. Saturdays do this to me. I don't actually like weekends, to be completely honest with you. I prefer routine over wandering aimlessly. I only knitted a few inches today and then felt the fever of being indoors, so I went shopping and bought nothing. I always feel better when I do this than when I actually buy something.

Well, no, that isn't always true. I like buying things, but they have to be things I've been wanting for a long time and I have to feel that I have enough money for it. Lately I feel like I don't really have enough money for anything (not what The Secret has taught me, I know. Think less, get less. Think more, get more. I know, I know). In any case, because I've been feeling that way lately, when I go shopping and walk out with nothing, I actually feel a lot better than if I'd wasted my money on something I only kind of wanted.

After the mall was a quick visit to my grandma. I love her so much. I think I get my sense of people from her. When we're in a group and my grandma is reacting to things, she seems a little distant and perhaps baffled. Maybe even a little senile. But when she recounts things later, she's very spot on. It reminds me of how I get quiet in groups and rarely contribute but prefer to passively watch what's happening instead of participating actively. It's not that I'm not paying attention, it's the opposite. And it's made my sense of people a bit more keen. I hope this means I will one day be as great a woman as my lovely grandmother is.

Girls night out

I'm a little late tonight because I've been out with Avery. We saw Penelope today. Ok, seriously, probably one of my favorite movies of the year. I mean it's not perfect, but it's really, really cute. And I'm basically in love with James McAvoy. He is delicious!

In other news, I got to talk to Julian tonight, Aves' and my friend from Australia. I haven't talked to him in ages (he's more Aves' friend than mine) but we called him about midnight and had a good chat. He had some funny and rather spot on things to say about my relationship status. It's nice to hear an Aus accent now and then :)

Also on the topic of foreign things, we went to World Market after the movie. I love that store more and more every time I go. We got some Tim Tams (of course) and Mint Slices (mmm) plus some Ritter Sport and Japanese gummy candies. Oh and Aero, which is a weird chocolate candy that has bubbles in the middle that sort of tingle on your tongue if you let it sit for a little while. Not my favorite, but alright none the less.

So that was my day. Things are pretty good. I'm sad Avery is leaving to go back to school tomorrow, but that's life. I'm just glad I have a best friend who is as amazing as she is.

The oldest of 9...10...11...

My second youngest brother, Sam, is in the UW Medical Center emergency room with smashed fingers. The last I heard was that he was going into surgery. So please, keep him in your prayers.

I'm at my dad's watching my brothers and sister while my dad and Kina are at the hospital. Oddly enough, by the time I get home either tonight or tomorrow, I'll probably have another little sister at home.

My mom and Tod are foster parents, and before Christmas we got two sweet little girls to watch for a few days. The aunt who has been taking care of them since then has decided she can't be the kind of mother she'd like to be for the youngest girl, so we're taking her back. She's a sweetheart. She's a couple months apart in age from Brock, so it'll be a bit like having twins. And chances are we'll get to adopt her. Nevaeh, the older of the two, will most likely be around a lot as well since we'll want to keep them close as sisters, so it's a bit like gaining two new sisters really. I'm excited. I love kids. And I really love being a big sister.

Anyway, time to make sure homework is done and watch High School Musical 2 hah

We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us

Well, La Vie en Rose was depressing. But I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's tonight and that cheered me up.

It was really nice out today. I sat out on our back patio on the swing chair with a light blanket and just read for a while. The lake is so pretty this time of year. It's not quite up high enough for boats to be out on it, so it's just calm and lovely.

March is infinitely better than January or February. I'm glad this is my birthday month. It always carries with it the first signs of spring and I just love it.

It's been a week now. I suppose if I can survive a week, then I can survive a month or a year or anything else can't I? Sure I can.

I want a cat named Cat now. Or maybe just any cat really. Preferably a mini cat. I've been thinking about that a lot today. How much I want a cat lately.

At Brandon's, when his cat saw me crying, she came up and started licking my face. It was wonderfully sweet.

Maybe soon.

For now I'm off to bed. Happy March.

The 366th Day

Happy Leap Day everyone. To anyone whose birthday might be today, you lucky duck, you're much younger than the rest of us.

Speaking of young and old. I turn 21 next week. How odd. In Mormon world this means nothing except that I am approaching old maidishness. (Yes, in Mormon world you're an old maid at 23. Or at least it seems that way).

I think 21 is going to be a much better age for me than 20 was. I have a feeling good though perhaps less dynamic things are going to happen in the coming year. And I'm alright with that.

Work was deathly slow today, so I started searching for a new show or movie to get interested in online, and I stumbled across Gossip Girl. I bought the first book in the series when I was in high school but then never read it. I don't think I would have enjoyed the books as much, but I'm really enjoying the show. It's completely soap opera-ish, sort of in the vein of One Tree Hill but less weird. At the moment though it's serving as a good distraction from my own troubles.

Unless I spend the remainder of the evening watching that, I might switch it out for La Vie En Rose, which I picked up at Blockbuster a couple days ago. I've heard great things about this movie, and it'll be a good chance to brush up on my French a bit.

So anyway, off to more couch potato-ness.

Happines causes happiness causes happiness causes happiness

Alright. My mom just had me watch The Secret. I had a therapist over a year ago who told me to watch this and I never did, mostly because it wasn't available to me at the time, and once it was, I'd heard it was super corny so had no interest.

Alas! It is super corny. However! It's also very interesting and sort of builds on a lot of the things I think already - mainly that our thoughts create our world and that what we think is what we do/become. When we focus on the negative, more negativity flows our way. When things feel crappy, it seems they always have been and always will be and so things generally are. But when we feel happy, we focus on things that are good and feel nothing is out of our reach, and so those good things come to us because we prepare for them, reach for them, and are open to receiving them.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I'm going to give this whole asking the universe or "ordering from the universal catalog" thing a try. And I'm going to try to do it without any apprehension or irony. We'll see how it goes.

Other than that today was... alright actually. I had an appointment with my therapist and when I left I felt a lot more at peace with things. I think everyone needs a therapist. I'm pretty sure the state of the world would be at least 15 times better if everyone did.

And no, you don't have to be a nutcase to have one. I'm not. Far as I know.... :P

Distractions

I don't know if it's post Valentine's day blues or something in the air, but apparently this weekend 'twas the season to be dumped by those of us at work, or at least those close to us. Shonna's daughter who is almost scarily similar to me in personality had her boyfriend leave her for another girl he'd been seeing for a little while already. Taryn's boyfriend apparently broke it off with her, and of course there is me. Shonna and my mom were full of advice for us, which was nice. Taryn and I joked we should get some comfort food and movies in there.

In all seriousness though it's been a rough few days, for me as well as these other girls. Life is just too complicated sometimes. I want things to be simple for a while. I'm staying far far away from the dating scene. It's not worth the heartbreak right now. That and I am not even close to being over this. I just want to focus on church and school and work for a little while.

I must say, I've really come to appreciate my friends and my family even more this past weekend. Everyone has been really supportive, and I appreciate that more than they can probably even know.

Anyway, drama drama drama right?

To keep my mind off things I've been playing Sims 2: Castaway on the DS. I love it. It fulfills my need for plot as well as my love for all things Sim related in one sweet little game.

Oh, and in the vein of movies:

1) Dancer in the Dark is by far the saddest movie I have ever seen in my entire life. And this includes Pan's Labyrinth, at the end of which I was sobbing. However, it is also deeply moving and positive in it's example to mankind. The music and cinematography are well done and add a surreal yet horrific element to the things happening. In that way it reminds me of the literary genre magical realism. I have to stop thinking about this movie though. I'll end up in tears again. So on to

2) Ratatouille. Alright, I know I'm behind the times. I didn't get to see this in the theaters and I only just got to watch it while I was in California, but I seriously loved this movie. I mean I've liked some Pixar movies in the past, but I love love love this movie. So much of it looks real! And delicious! The story line is cute and plays up on my love of all things miniature. And of course all the characters are enjoyable and creative. Well done Disney and Pixar. Well done!

3) For my birthday Brandon gave me a DVD called Rivers and Tides about the sculptor Andy Goldsworthy. The documentary was artistic in its plot, cinematography, and most certainly it's music. And that's not even talking about Goldsworthy's art! The way he connects to the earth is intriguing and almost magical. Highly recommended if you even remotely enjoy documentaries.

Well with that little update, I think I'm off. Until next time friends.

I want to dream in 50,000 colors when I'm dead

I have been waxing nostalgic about the most random things tonight! I started thinking about them as I cut my bangs and then I just started recalling one odd item after another. In conjunction with listening to Snakes Say Hisss! it managed to get me out of my annoyed mood and into one that's a bit silly. So here are some of the things I thought about:

This would be the fire hydrant plant holder I got for my 16th birthday. I walked into English and there it was, sitting on my desk. Thank you Danual. I still love it.

Also around one of my birthdays, last March I was in Utah visiting Katy and we stopped by the Moore's house in Salt Lake one night. And on the wall was a poster I think John-Ross had put up. It was a cheap copy of Vincent VanGogh's Starry Night, and on it in big white letters were the words "I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ART." And it so absolutely summed up my feelings on that painting and the people who claim it as their "favorite painting ever" that I just had to laugh.

I remembered also a video game I used to play on the computer. It was called The Neverhood. And I guess it has a bit of a cult following nowadays. It was all done with claymation. The game was a bit like Myst but sooo much quirkier and better. And the music in it was amazing.

Does anyone remember the movie Grandpa's Magical Toy Shop? or King Cole's Party? or perhaps Wee Sing Together (also known as Sally's Birthday Party)? These were all the Wee Sing movies my grandma used to have us watch. They were all so.... tacky haha. It was like Barney, but trippier. And more annoying. But we watched them all time. Those were good times. Especially Grandpa's Magical Toy Shop, with Punchanello.

And one that's a lot more recent: I was talking about mushrooms to Brandon and the fact that I've really only tried the common mushrooms you can get at a grocery store. And he piped up with "Oh you mean the Agaricus Bisporus?" And I just started laughing so hard. Probably one of the things I love the most about Brandon is that he knows the Latin names for a ton of different mushrooms. And he's been to fungus fairs. I love it. Oh my gosh, I love it!

Life is all about enjoying the little things. And boy do I. There are so many small moments in life that are hilarious and random and I just love every one of them.

I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine

I just finished Andrew Bird's Armchair Apocrypha on vinyl and now I'm listening to Bright Eyes' Fever and Mirrors from my Bright Eyes box set while I cut out pictures from magazines for my collage collection. Calendar Hung Itself just came on. Love. Love love love.

Listening to Andrew Bird reminded me of when I saw him play at Bumbershoot in September. Probably one of the most magical shows I have ever been to. The sun was down, the stage was set against the Space Needle, all lit up and glorious. The sky was clear and Andrew's whistling was beautiful. I wanted to stay there forever.

I slept more than half of the day today. I'm not sure why. It's possible I'm getting sick, but I really hope that's not the case.

I went to see 27 Dresses tonight with my mom. It was charmingly cliche. Definitely enjoyable.

Well I think I'll get back to magazine clipping or else go back to sleep (not at the same time though, I promise. Scissors and sleeping don't go together).

Crochet squares done: 4.5

Days until California: 14

Map jumping

Watching Finding Nemo makes me want to be back in Australia.

True story.

Current music: Avey Tare and Kria Brekkan - Pullhair Rubeye. This album was recorded as a lovely folk album by Avey Tare of Animal Collective and Kria Brekkan formerly of Mum. They reversed the entire album before releasing it. I have it both forward and backward and love it both ways. It's so crazy amazing.

I've been reading the full transcript of the latest Democratic debate today. I'm so undecided it's not even funny.

I'll be reading the Republican one tomorrow probably.

All I know is that John McCain seems bi-polar, Hilary is scary, Obama is a calmer version of Hilary and Romney changed his mind on abortion. So we'll just have to wait and see where I land on that whole dilemma. Because my vote totally counts in this blue state.

And here's the thing, other than higher taxes for rich people (which is going to happen anyway once Bush's tax cut expires), I can't see yet why we wouldn't want universal health care... but maybe I'm just missing something. Maybe I should move to Sweden.

I'm going to be in California in 15 days! I don't even care if it rains on me now, I'm just really excited to see Brandon.

I think the weirdness is back...

Watch this show. (You can stream each episode from both seasons). I promise, you won't be disappointed. Especially if you've ever been to a high school. Not even necessarily your own high school. Just any high school. The characters are hilarious. In each episode a new "weird" factor hits the town. Such as all the people on public service signs coming to life, or anyone who has a cold aging between 15-50 years every time they cough or sneeze. My favorite episodes are probably Clones, Bubbleheads and Remotes. I have been laughing for hours.

I bought Brandon's birthday present today. I'm mildly obsessed with this website called Threadless. People submit their graphic art to be made into tshirts and members of the website vote on the new designs. If enough people like it, it gets made into a tshirt and sold on Threadless.com. This is the one I bought Brandon. It's called "I'm Sure I Used To fit." I love that they've got the jaws of life out haha

The past few nights Brandon and I have been discussing lucid dreaming. I'm going to try for the next few nights to make myself lucid dream. I'm really hoping to revisit England or Australia. We watched this movie not too long ago called Waking Life. It's all in rotoscope, which is really cool if you've ever seen good rotoscope animation. I learned a lot about lucid dreaming from that movie. It was really interesting. I definitely recommend it.

So to track my crocheting progress, I am happy to note that I figured out what I was doing wrong on my square, which was shrinking in width as it got longer. My mom couldn't remember how to do the ends of each row (such as how many chains each type of stitch needs at the beginning of the next row). But I have got it all down now thanks to a helpful book, and I will be knocking out scads of crocheted squares for Warm Up America in no time at all!

Lastly, my Central Coast Cali, here I come! (Please don't rain on me) countdown is officially at 18 days. Yay! One less than yesterday!