some ranting, some raving

I haven't been updating this as much lately. I was talking to Elisa the other day and I admitted I've stopped writing in here because it stopped being mine a while ago. The fear of who was reading it, the idea of writing to and for other people frightened me and so I began to feel myself unworthy of writing in my own meager little blog.

So, if you don't like it, bugger off. I'm going to try to write more anyway. Because honestly, I need it. I bottle too much up when I don't write regularly.

I'm feeling pretty weird tonight. I think it's stemming from a few things:

1) I hate my job. A lot. So much so that I've started a work day count down until I can go back to school. 98 days left. When I do go back to school, I'm going to have to find a part time job somewhere else, and I'm ok with that. I want to be able to afford school though, so I've got to save up as much money as possible. I've decided to start donating plasma twice a week. It's good money and I'll be helping people (who work for the big bad pharmaceutical companies... but still). I hate needles, so I'm really hoping I can go through with this. It'll pay rent each month if I can.

2) Our house is a mess and it's driving me crazy. I'm not always the neatest person. My family knows this. I can be messy as all get out. But I'm also a germ-o-phobe. This may sound weird, but let me explain. There's a difference between my germs and other people's germs (to me obviously. I don't mean that in a neurotic, "my germs are better than your germs" kind of way). There's a difference between living in my "mess" which is more an assortment of piles that I've strategically placed and know the contents of in depth; and living in someone else's mess, unable to find my other shoe or that tank top I just got last week or the hat I took the tag off this morning. And our carpets are disgusting.

I've called a cleaning company to have them come help us clean deep since none of us seem to know how to really scrub a shower or a kitchen floor or a toilet. And I've called a Chem Dry down here to come clean our carpets right after Christmas. I'm hoping this will make me feel better about where I live. Because as is, it's stressing me out so much that I can barely think about anything else when I'm home, but it's so overwhelming I can't seem to start on it in any direction.

3) I just want to learn to sew but the mess we have everywhere and the fact that I can't bring myself to do anything at home but obsess over how messy it is or watch movies or sleep means I haven't been focusing on it like I'd like to be. I want to get my skills up to at least intermediate so that I can take the intermediate and advanced classes as BYU this Spring and Summer, but if we don't get this place under control and my desk cleaned off and my little craft area set up, I'm not going to be able to get it done. I've started sewing lessons but the past two weeks just haven't worked out and I'm starting to get frustrated with it.

4) I'm not spending nearly enough time reading or finding new music. Two things I love and used to do regularly but these days just don't seem to make time for. It's driving me nuts. Every time I scroll through my Ipod I get annoyed.

So, those are the things bothering me in order of importance. The job thing is 98 work days away from being solved. The clean thing is hopefully 21 regular days away from being solved, or at least taken care of for a little while. The sewing thing will hopefully work itself out once the messiness does. And I'll just have to take more time for reading and music surfing now and then.

Ok.

Problems identified, plans made.

In good news: I like John-Ross. I like my friends. I love my roommates. Elisa's almost convinced me to join 24 hour fitness because they have a pool that's open 24 hours a day (!!!). I love weekends. I love discussing projects with Olivia - we're going to have a booth at a hip craft fair in the spring. I'm off of accutane and glad for it! (just a few more months and I can start getting my eyebrows waxed again. yessssss). I'm nearly done with my year of depression meds then I can go back to being an N instead of an S. Or maybe my full S will come out, who knows. Crappily great and greatly crappy 2008 is nearly finished. And Christmas is almost here!

All very good things.

That's life for now I guess. A little yin, a little yang.

I am not good at going to bed.

I like my AA TriBlend romper more than is good for me. I've never loved short shorts so much in my life. They make my sleeping life four times better.

Between now and November I must: read every book in my library then sell the ones I don't love passionately. Sell anything that isn't of great importance/use to me. Work two jobs. Pay off all debts. Save up for Utah. Pack and store anything of great importance but not of much use. Fit my life into my car. Road trip it down to Utah over the course of two weeks, stopping in Portland and maybe Idaho along the way. Move into Cecilia's house. Find a job in Provo. Live happily and freely and feel as liberated as I do now.

As such, I have decided to: 100% stop mooching off of my parents once I move down to Utah which means I pay for: rent, car insurance, health insurance, gas, school, life in general. Stop living in fear of disapproval. Give up sleep in lieu of work. Eat healthier to make sure my lack of sleep doesn't make me sick. Save up money for a new, more gas efficient car. Stop stressing so much. Be happy.

I wonder if I have enough stuff to have a garage sale. Or if I should go to the likes of used bookstores and urbanXchange in Tacoma. If only I weren't on Accutane--I'd go donate plasma. Maybe I'll see if my mom would let me sell some of our family stuff and take the money if I do all the work... hmm... going on my To Consider list.

Basically I am planning on doing everything in my power (graveyard shift at a hotel front desk not excluded) to get down to Utah ASAP. Particularly since I've got a bed down there with my name on it. And on said bed, I plan on: being better at going to bed. Sleeping instead of working. Wearing my AA Romper as much as possible. Being myself. Enjoying life. I'm thoroughly looking forward to it.

Diamonds with a different sort of blood history

Well, in an otherwise uneventful day, one thing of definite note happened: I talked to my mom today about the wedding ring my dad gave her. I knew the diamond used in it was the same diamond my Grandpa Mitchell gave to my grandma, and that after they divorced, my grandma gave it to my mom for her engagement ring. My mom and dad divorced and my mom had the diamond put into another ring when I was 9 or 10. She wore it for a while, but these days the only ring she wears is her wedding ring to Tod.

So when I asked her about the diamond this morning, she immediately asked if I wanted it, which is exactly what I was planning on hinting at hah.

I gladly accepted and I think that's probably the diamond I'll use in my ring. It's half a carat, incredibly clear and very sparkly. Plus it's exactly the type of cut I wanted: the table and diameter are a bit wider with the pavilion depth a bit shorter. This makes it look bigger and also means it won't stick out quite so far from my finger.

I told Avery about it and she immediately said, "that diamond sounds cursed," which is something my mom said long ago, but let's put it this way: I'm not marrying Brandon for money (my grandmother's mistake) or because my parents have said I'm probably not ever going to be asked again so I may as well just get married (my mother's mistake), so I don't think a twice divorced diamond is going to do much to help or hinder my marriage.

In any case, I'm excited. I'd been thinking maybe I'd just go without a diamond because they're really expensive and I see them as such a waste of money. But if I'm getting one for free, then bring on the bezels, prongs and side-stones! Woohoo!

As for other wedding plans, I've finally picked colors (something most girls do at about age 12) and Brandon seems to like them. I'm thinking dark blue (almost navy) with a medium green and just a splash of pale pink - mostly in the flowers. And I think I've come up with the perfect wedding favor. But we'll see if it pans out.

Alright, enough wedding talk. I think it's time for bed. Goodnight dahlings!

Plans I never made as a little girl

Firstly, let me make the disclaimer that I am not engaged. Brandon and I have been talking seriously about marriage and things are certainly going in that direction - I think we both just sort of knew the moment we saw each other, and I love him more every day - but we're trying to be rational and give ourselves time to make sure we're comfortable.

With that being said, I think I've narrowed down my dress search dramatically. In the past month, I have probably seen about 2,000 dresses. I've felt mediocre at best about all of them. They've all been either too skimpy, too traditional, too Mormony or just plain ugly. But out of sheer luck I happened across a website last night that has a line of classy but different temple ready wedding gowns. I love them! I've narrowed it down to two I think:




I think they're gorgeous and they aren't your typical Mormon wedding gown since, let's be honest, I'm not your typical Mormon.

I've also been looking into the ring department of course. Brandon and I have discussed our options and I think we're both looking for something untraditional. We've considered wooden rings. He likes that idea a lot. We've also talked about making our own rings. I think that's my favorite so far. I'm going to see if we could possibly make our own rings and have his inlaid with wood. He's not big into rings (neither am I really) so he wants something that isn't gaudy, and that leans more toward the natural side. I love the idea of each of us making the other's ring though. And it's a 5-6 hour experience, with a real jeweler walking us through the process. We could have them engraved or add stones if we'd like.

My mom and I have been discussing today what in the world to do about a reception building when the time comes. I've always abhorred the idea of having a reception on a basketball court, but honestly, with the number of people from just my side who would be coming, anything else would get incredibly expensive. So I think what we'll end up doing is finding one of the less basketball-ish cultural halls in our stake and hanging tulle or some other sheer fabric from the ceiling in tent-like fashion. Because seriously, I have four parents. Each with a huge family. Not to mention two rather large sized wards I've grown up in. There's a good possibility for the guest list becoming ridiculously huge.

I'm starting to realize that 1) weddings are a lot of money. I had no idea. And 2) I have no experience whatsoever with planning or even going to weddings. I've been to maybe 4 or 5, most of which were when I was very young. So this is going to be a new thing. My mom and I are going to see if we can find some Mormon receptions to crash in the next few months just for ideas.

So, here's to engagement hopes and wedding ideas.