I really should be sleeping

I have work early in the morning. But upon my last email check of the day, I discovered a comment on a rather... well... infamous blog post of mine... that my "articles" are getting much better than they used to be. I'm not sure that's true, but I went back to check anyway. And I realized I've had this little blog for two years now. That's much longer than I'd expected. It's been a great little place to air my feelings and share the things I like or love.

I'm still not sure that my posts are getting better, but I'll tell you the main difference I see: I'm actually a real person these days. I'm not trying to be anyone, I'm just me and I'm happy with that. For once. I've come to terms with many of my imperfections, and this past year especially has forced me to face a lot of my own insecurities and weaknesses. I've grown very much since Snappy Little Alligator started.

I had a thought while falling asleep last night. It was this: there aren't very many grown ups in the world, are there? There are a lot of adults who pretend their age matters and that gives them certain rights, but really, those adults are probably more childish* than most. And some think they're so grown up because they've got degrees or some kind of high paying job. But what a grown up really is... well... what I think a grown up really is... is a humble, kind, forgiving person, who has experienced the world in all of its glory and darkness, and can not only face their own follies, but tries with all their might to correct whatever foibles they may have. These grown ups do not make excuses, they do not expect others to do for them what they can do for themselves, they do not waste what precious time they have on things that simply do not matter.

More than anything, I'd like to become one of these people. Not necessarily because it's better, in fact it seems more wearying really. But because now that I've seen the difference between the grown ups and the children, I don't see how I could ever again be ok with acting like a child. The times when I slip back into child mode, I come out of it realizing what a mistake I've made. It's too glaring now for me to go back to the way it used to be.

* I want to note that when I say childish, I do not mean childlike, which in general is a positive term. In this case, child and childish are rather pejorative terms, sadly. I mean that those who are most childish act like spoiled brats who should get everything their way. Few are that bad, but from what I've noticed, most humans are on a sliding scale of childishness, with very very few achieving adulthood. The problem is mostly that no one is aware nor willing to consider their own childishness; they only want to point out some one else's imperfection.

Roundabout Coincidences

Funny little blogging tidbit. So I read {this is glamorous}, which is full of lovely, inspiring photos and blog links. I happened to click on a link to another blog, just randomly, since I don't generally have time to check them all out. And I found Bloom, Grow, Love. I loved the photos the author takes, so I was reading some of her older posts, and saw she had an Etsy store. So I clicked on the link to the store, the first item of which was a set of postcards of Paris in Spring. Beautiful really. They happened to remind me of some postcards I ordered last summer to send to a friend. Some of my favorite postcards of all time! Lovely stormy colors, pearlized paper, enough space to write what I wanted.

And then, as I was scrolling through her other items, lo and behold, there were the postcards I ordered over a year ago! What a small blogging world... wait, what am I saying? There are millions of blogs in the world, many many many of which are photo blogs. Not to mention millions of etsy accounts. So what are the chances of me clicking in a roundabout, non-intentional sort of way, back to a site I visited a year ago? I should think slim to none.

And yet Mr. Beebe's voice from A Room With A View can't help but come into my head. If I'm interested in a particular thing (beautiful things, photography, postcards) is it any wonder I should happen upon already found beauties from people interested in things similar? I don't know. I just don't know. What a happy coincidence though! Thank you, Alicia Block, for taking such wonderful photographs!

What in the woooorld?

I've had a surge of anonymous comments on blogs I posted over a year ago. And a lot of them range from mildly to moderately critical. Who is taking a random girl on the internet so SERIOUSLY? Blogs are for rambling about junk no one actually cares about. MIRite?

I guess I should be glad people are reading though... hmmm.

some ranting, some raving

I haven't been updating this as much lately. I was talking to Elisa the other day and I admitted I've stopped writing in here because it stopped being mine a while ago. The fear of who was reading it, the idea of writing to and for other people frightened me and so I began to feel myself unworthy of writing in my own meager little blog.

So, if you don't like it, bugger off. I'm going to try to write more anyway. Because honestly, I need it. I bottle too much up when I don't write regularly.

I'm feeling pretty weird tonight. I think it's stemming from a few things:

1) I hate my job. A lot. So much so that I've started a work day count down until I can go back to school. 98 days left. When I do go back to school, I'm going to have to find a part time job somewhere else, and I'm ok with that. I want to be able to afford school though, so I've got to save up as much money as possible. I've decided to start donating plasma twice a week. It's good money and I'll be helping people (who work for the big bad pharmaceutical companies... but still). I hate needles, so I'm really hoping I can go through with this. It'll pay rent each month if I can.

2) Our house is a mess and it's driving me crazy. I'm not always the neatest person. My family knows this. I can be messy as all get out. But I'm also a germ-o-phobe. This may sound weird, but let me explain. There's a difference between my germs and other people's germs (to me obviously. I don't mean that in a neurotic, "my germs are better than your germs" kind of way). There's a difference between living in my "mess" which is more an assortment of piles that I've strategically placed and know the contents of in depth; and living in someone else's mess, unable to find my other shoe or that tank top I just got last week or the hat I took the tag off this morning. And our carpets are disgusting.

I've called a cleaning company to have them come help us clean deep since none of us seem to know how to really scrub a shower or a kitchen floor or a toilet. And I've called a Chem Dry down here to come clean our carpets right after Christmas. I'm hoping this will make me feel better about where I live. Because as is, it's stressing me out so much that I can barely think about anything else when I'm home, but it's so overwhelming I can't seem to start on it in any direction.

3) I just want to learn to sew but the mess we have everywhere and the fact that I can't bring myself to do anything at home but obsess over how messy it is or watch movies or sleep means I haven't been focusing on it like I'd like to be. I want to get my skills up to at least intermediate so that I can take the intermediate and advanced classes as BYU this Spring and Summer, but if we don't get this place under control and my desk cleaned off and my little craft area set up, I'm not going to be able to get it done. I've started sewing lessons but the past two weeks just haven't worked out and I'm starting to get frustrated with it.

4) I'm not spending nearly enough time reading or finding new music. Two things I love and used to do regularly but these days just don't seem to make time for. It's driving me nuts. Every time I scroll through my Ipod I get annoyed.

So, those are the things bothering me in order of importance. The job thing is 98 work days away from being solved. The clean thing is hopefully 21 regular days away from being solved, or at least taken care of for a little while. The sewing thing will hopefully work itself out once the messiness does. And I'll just have to take more time for reading and music surfing now and then.

Ok.

Problems identified, plans made.

In good news: I like John-Ross. I like my friends. I love my roommates. Elisa's almost convinced me to join 24 hour fitness because they have a pool that's open 24 hours a day (!!!). I love weekends. I love discussing projects with Olivia - we're going to have a booth at a hip craft fair in the spring. I'm off of accutane and glad for it! (just a few more months and I can start getting my eyebrows waxed again. yessssss). I'm nearly done with my year of depression meds then I can go back to being an N instead of an S. Or maybe my full S will come out, who knows. Crappily great and greatly crappy 2008 is nearly finished. And Christmas is almost here!

All very good things.

That's life for now I guess. A little yin, a little yang.

Damn you Free Willy!

Alright, for tonights blog we have a special guest, one Avery Ann Berschauer. Last night we got into a discussion concerning whales. For roughly half an hour. And the following is what we came up with. I think you'll find it makes a lot of sense when you really think about it:

What is the movie that defines most people of our generation's childhood? None other than "Free Willy!" It was not just children who worshiped this movie. People of all ages could not get enough of that lovable Orca, Willy. Filled with friendly sea creatures; an unforgettable song by Michael Jackson and themes of family values, friendship and integrity, this movie spoke to the masses.

"Free Willy" was the answer to millions of good, strong Christian families' prayers. Finally a movie came along that children wanted to watch and parents approved of. The only way for this movie to have been even more fulfilling for these Christians would have been for Willy to have turned out to be Jesus Christ. Talk about the twist! Jesus does return but in the form of a whale. Makes perfect sense. Whales have been used before in the Bible to teach lessons. Willy is Jesus and he has come to tell everyone to love one another and that Christianity is the true religion of the world.

Now obviously, this did not happen, but think of what our lives would have been like if that had happened. There would have been an entire generation of children who lived moral lives because Willy, I mean Jesus, had reached out to them in cinematic format. Crime, underage drinking, teenage pregnancy, and drug use rates would all be down. We have to be realistic and not say that these things would not go away. I mean, what about the kids that did not hear Willy's message of love and leading a Christian life? Instead of going to church they would be shooting up and having unprotected sex. Naughty! Naughty! Willy would not approve.

There was still hope though! Willy was a real whale that resided at the aquarium in Portland, Oregon. Millions flocked to see Keiko, the star of "Free Willy." I was one of these people. I ventured down to Oregon with my parents to meet the most famous Orca in history. I had dreams of being able to communicate with him. I wanted to be Kieko's best friend. Willy was a fictional whale, but Keiko was legit! Wide eyed and innocent, I was about to meet my destiny. Keiko was in the tank directly in front of me. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. This moment was about to happen. I knew that seeing Keiko would definitely be the crowning moment of my life. Forget my graduation or wedding day, this was a big milestone!

But then some thing happened. What could be the worst thing to a little girl who expected this to mean everything to her? Keiko made it very clear that I meant nothing to him. Turned out, Keiko was a diva. He hung out on the opposite side of his large tank most of the day and every 20 minutes he would make a lap of the tank. That cocky bastard! Yeah, I bet he liked hearing the applause and screams of the adoring children, but he didn't give a damn about them. So easily he forgot about how he got so famous. His public made him who he was, especially the little people, aka children!

From that moment on, I was jaded and hated Keiko.

I caught wind that years later there was a plan to "free Willy." Millions of dollars were raised to release Keiko back into the wild. Oh! That is rich! Just what that snob needs, more publicity. Here is the kicker though. Turns out Willy did not want to be free so much. He did not respond well to his natural surroundings and did not survive long in the wild waters of Iceland. My theory is that he died due to a lack of attention. Karma is a bitch, huh Keiko?

Which leads me to this conclusion:

If Willy had just been Jesus Christ in whale form and was actually nice and not an oversized blowhole, I would have lead a clean, moral life! I would feel compassion for the world and would want to spread pure, sweet Christian love instead of being on this downward spiraling path to Hell! Damn you, Willy! Damn you! You could have saved a generation, nay a civilization, but you decided to stay on the other side of your tank!

NOTE: Keiko may not be the correct spelling of the whale's name, but I did not feel he was worth googling to find the actual spelling.

EDIT: I would like to point out to anyone reading this (because I didn't make it very clear earlier) that this was written by Avery Berschauer, not myself. While I wish I was clever enough to voice our opinions the way she does, she's the one with the magical tongue (oooh YEAH :P) -Pamela

This is for Jonni!

Utah, never in my wildest dreams did I think would say this, but... I love you... or at least I love the people I know/have met while visiting your overly warm and way too dry climate, brown mountains and thin air. The ways you have changed my life are countless.

I seriously cannot wait to move back. Summer in Utah is so much better than Winter there. I wish I'd known that before. I met so many amazing people this time around, and clicked with certain of them more than I ever expected.

In shopping news, I spent way too much money down there, but at least came back with some freaking awesome clothes. Mode was amazing! (thank you Your Heart Out and Cecilia!) I bought a Gentle Fawn sleeveless shirt there that fits like a dream. I also bought a toooon of stuff at the new Urban Outfitters in SLC including some gigantic sunglasses, a cute crocheted hat, peacock headband (that sadly broke when I wore it but which I plan to fix soon), some tank tops, and a tank top dress that has pockets. yesss! American Apparel also treated me well. Amongst other things, I went nuts over triblend and bought two more tshirts (an indigo deep v and orchid girls track shirt), and, I can't even believe it, but a one piece halter jumper. It's amazing!

Sigh, I bought way more than that. But I won't bore you any more than I already have.

I also just want to say though, I spend way too much at Sephora EVERY TIME I GO THERE. Oh man. It's outrageous! The only winning feature is that I actually love every single thing I buy from there and use it like it's going out of style two hours from now. LADIES: They've got some really amazing stuff out for bikini and hair maintenance for summertime. Check it out!

Now that I'm back, I'm washing clothes and repacking for Thursday's trip to Arizona. It's going to be soooo hoooooottt down there. I'm not sure I'm excited for 115 degree weather, but I guess I'll live. I am really looking forward to visiting my grandparents and other family.

Anyway, I think that's enough rambling for now. I hope Jonni is satisfied with this (not so) meager update. :P

I'm a little bit ridiculous

So I find myself a little annoyed with the internet lately. Which is completely hypocritical and kind of dumb, but I can't seem to help it. This is why I haven't been blogging as of late.

I find that the more we recede into the internet (the more Facebook friends we make, the more blogs we write, the more emails we send and comments we leave and statuses we update and instant messages we type) the less we really know our fellow man. These versions of ourselves and others are not real. The people we "meet" through these mediums are rarely who we think they are but rather some skewed version of themselves; a distorted reflection of another distorted reflection of the real thing.

So I bought a real journal, and I'm writing in that. And at times I might update this thing, but mostly I'm tired of posting my life on the world wide web for a while. I'll probably get over it, but I'd rather just talk to people in real life. And do real things. And think about them myself and not talk to everyone about it not in person.

That's this week's feeling anyway, we'll see what happens next week or the week after :)

I'm so fickle, I swear. But I guess at least I'm aware of this fact.