it's that thing

adam's playing this new song he wrote, and i've been feeling nostalgic for days and suddenly i kind of feel like crying. not necessarily a sad cry. just a times-now-gone cry. i tend to miss people years or even decades after they've gone from my life. even the darkest times had bright moments. and i somehow miss them all. the lovely, the mediocre, the tragic. i mourn things that no longer exist, even when their passing was good and natural.

Ben Gibbard, please write another song about my life. I need to know how this mess ends!

So, a little update on my life:
1. I am working between 30 and 40 hours a week and going to school 20+ hours a week. Yeah. Really. I'm at my school working and going to class for 12 hours a day, Tuesday through Thursday. It's insanity!
2. I officially qualify as obsessed with cosmetics. I'll spare you the details, but the summary is: Lush, Sephora, and the M.A.C. Pro Store plus waaay too much money.
3. I'm doing a photo shoot this Saturday that I'm starting to get a bit stressed out about. I'm doing makeup and it's for a website called Shabby Apple. If anyone runs into me in the next few days and I seem out of sorts, blame it on that and some lady things for which I am cursing my insurance company vehemently.
4. Adam and I have decided to get a cat. I am freaking excited. I love animals and sadly Elisa and her doggie are moving out this winter, leaving Adam and I pet-less. So we've decided to get a kitten. I'm not going to lie, about 90% of our decision was based on this video: The Cutest Video of All Time (It really does live up to it's name). Adam has expressed wanting a long haired cat, I think I want short haired. I definitely want it to be gray or white or a mix of both though. So the kitten search will commence as soon as my Christmas break starts and I have more time at home for things other than sleep.
5. On the topic of roommates, Jenee and Dane are moving in downstairs come January and I couldn't be more pleased! I love those crazy kids. And they're talking about possibly getting a pug so kitty (whom I want to name Basket, by the way, which Adam disapproves of) will have a friend. And hopefully they will get along. Friends, not frenemies.
6. I'm really going to miss Elisa.
7. School is really not going fast enough. I'm at 600 hours out of 2000. Night school takes soooo much longer than day school!

That's it for now really. Life is hectic and free time is limited these days but overall I'm enjoying myself and thoroughly appreciative of the people I do see in the moments between darting here and there.

Thank you, David

Me: I was going to be Pamela Adams.
Dave: And now you're Adam's Pamela.

Life is so odd. I find it funny how subconsciously our brains connect seasons to feelings and feelings to people and people to music, et cetera. I've been listening to Sea Wolf a lot lately. And (I don't know which came first, chicken or egg, take your pick) thinking of Brandon, whom I almost married, and met two years and a couple weeks ago.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about knitting him his green scarf for christmas. And humming along to something off of In Rainbows with him laughing at me for singing to the melody rather than waiting for the words. Someone mentioned Eraserhead tonight even.

I looked up pictures and he and Adam could be brothers. Their similarities are striking. Both physically and in their personalities.

But their differences are also extreme. And I think the differences in people are the most important things to note. They're both so wonderful in their own ways. 

I've come a long way in two years. In some ways I'm so much happier. But sometimes I miss so much certain moments that can't be regained. Live, love, lose, move on. That's the cycle. And it's rather beautiful, though heartbreaking at times.

Strings and Ink

So little by little Adam has been moving some of his belongings in. Tonight he asked if he could move his music equipment in. I gave a resounding yes. I love hearing him play and I feel so much better when he feels good. I've been worried about starting work this week because I'll be gone 13 hours a day Tues-Thurs, which means not a lot of time for Adam and I other than sleep time. But I'm a lot less stressed about it now that he's moved all his music equipment in. I feel less like I'll be ditching him during the day and more like he'll have his own things to do here. That and the more furniture we add to the house, the less echo-ey it is.... hah. I didn't think about that aspect of wood flooring when I bought it...

Now that I'm less stressed about being gone so much, I'm kind of excited to start work. It'll be nice to have a steady paycheck again (it's been over six months excluding modeling! Eesh!). And I'll be gaining "salon experience" of a sort. Tonight I'm considering taking a permanent makeup class. And maybe in a few months trying to get a job at a salon doing permanent makeup. I think I'd really like that.

Also, on the topic of permanent makeup, aka tattooing... I think I've finally decided I want this tattoo. I wanted something that represented a departure from the norm, or at least my norm. I considered an empty birdcage with a small bird somewhere on my body, and perhaps I will put a small empty birdcage somewhere, I haven't decided that yet. But I love the tattoo in that picture, including the placement. I think that's exactly where I want it. If not on my right shoulder, then on my left (closer to my heart). When I graduate school I'll probably get a pair of cutting shears somewhere, but I haven't figured out where yet. I think the birds tattoo miiiight be my Christmas present to myself. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm pretty excited to finally have figured out what I want.

A Room of One's Own

I don't know what it means to be a grown up. Actually, I'm not sure anyone does, really. But I'll tell you what makes me feel like an adult today:

Owning all of my own furniture. I don't know why, but I was sitting outside having a cigarette (yes, I smoke on occasion) by myself, and I looked over at the two chairs I bought about four months ago that haven't got felt on the bottoms yet so as not to scratch up the wood floors we just installed, and I realized I own a house full of furniture. I have three sofas (one couch and the love seat are a set even), two chairs that match the living room furniture, a dining room table with four matching chairs, a loft bed with a full sized mattress, and a queen bed to go under it. I own a dresser and two bookshelves. Mops, two brooms, a microwave and a few miscellaneous decorations. I have books that line one bookshelf and movies on another. A television. A computer and the rest of the usual electronic items. It's a pretty nice feeling.

I know I have a long way before I'm anywhere near fully self reliant. But having painted the walls of my house and finally gotten rid of disgustingly pet stained carpets, I have to say, I feel really good about my living situation and the way my life is going.

I have a lot of school to finish, and I can't say I have much money, but I'm headed in a career direction that will support me and probably a family if I end up with one. I have a lot of wonderful friends who look out for me and whom I look out for. A boyfriend who's wonderful and supportive and gets me. And is even willing to spend three days laying wood flooring. Starting next week I'll have a job that lines up with my future plans. And all in all, life is good and getting better. Well done, life. Thank you.

I promise to put up pics soon of the house as it is now. It looks so much better. We still have a small amount of work to do, but compared to how it was even just four months ago, it's pretty near finished.

8 things thing

Well, I've been tagged (there's a first for everything I suppose). And unlike the 25-things-about-me facebook phenom that I vehemently refused to participate in, I'm actually going to fill this one out. Mainly because I'm waiting for my laundry to be done, and, well, Jillian-Anne's blog is one of the few I look forward to reading :)

8 things I look forward to:

* starting cosmetology school in June

* going back to Aus some day

* owning a charger for my Macbook again so I can stop mooching off Elisa (I yub you Eesa)

* not being dirt poor for a little while (yessss! to student loan money)

* going home to visit my fam sometime this summer

* furniture! and paint! and wood floors! (June June June June June)

* Harry Potter 6

* watching O'Grady with John-Ross

8 things I did yesterday:

* played with Sego

* watched Ryan, Olivia, and Joe weed the garden (because I'm a slacker)

* listened to some Craig David (bahaha. but seriously.)

* cleaned out my cupboard in the kitchen

* got some soul shaking hiccups that took ages to get rid of

* interviewed for a job I don't really want but definitely need

* facebook stalked (i know) <- Me too, J. Me too.

* watched some 30 Rock

8 things I wish I could do:

* clean anything and everything with the snap of a finger

* apparate

* travel the world in a year

* be done with school (cosmetology and my BA)

* play an instrument well enough to be in a band

* be completely self sufficient in a house far away from the rest of civilization

* own a puppy

* grow my hair out faster

8 shows I watch:

* Gossip Girl

* 30 Rock

* Dexter

* It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

* Arrested Development (well, the DVDs anyway)

* O'Grady (also no longer on the air, but one of the best cartoons ever)

* The Simpsons (only the old seasons now and then though)

* uuuuuuh... I can't think of anything else. Soooo.... my life. I watch my life.

It's time, can you feel it? I'm making a change.

So, first of all, the way things are falling into place is uncanny. Elisa and I decided to stay in our house despite the odds against us, and so far we've managed to overcome most of them. I've got a meeting with the landlord tomorrow, which will decide things for sure, but I'm not worried. If the furniture, and roommate and basement apartment situations are any indicator, I'm positive it will go well. Particularly with my parents' help.

There have been an inordinate amount of ups and downs these past few weeks. But I have to say, the ups have been astronomical. Life works out. Life is good. I have a lot of wonderful, loving people in my little Provo world and beyond, and the list just keeps growing. I'm so appreciative of them all.

Our house is in a disarray right now, and I'm leaving Sunday for Washington. I won't be back for a month. But I suspect when I do come back, and when we get to work and fix this place up, it's going to feel more like home than any place I've lived since moving, post high school graduation. I'm excited. Incredibly excited.

I'm deliriously tired and deliriously happy. It's bed time and what better way to fall asleep than drifting through the list of my blessings? Thank you, life.

iesntfpj

So the whole personality type thing has gotten a bit out of control. That being said, I really like ISTP's. That being said, I'm ridiculously happy (Kristi said glowing. But that's subjective).

I've been awake most of the night (morning) coughing, but even so, it's been a lovely past ten hours.

I love a lot of people in Utah (you most of all, C). I love a lot of people all over the world. Being able to take care of a few of them makes my heart soar. Every time I say or text the L word to one of my girlies I get a little giddy and light. It's good to have people to count on, people to love, people who expect good from me. It keeps life worth living.

So there you have it. Just a little bit of fluffy goodness. Now back to bed. Good night (morning).

March 4th 2009

22.

best. birthday. ever.

Week in Review

This week I:

Cut my bangs and hair much much too short

Felt utterly hopeless

Overcame my hopelessness without meaning to or trying

Decided against writing a 25 things list despite my many tags

Saw Australia (the movie) and missed the place of the same name miserably

Loved my roommates

Adored Cade and Gheybin's new place in Salt Lake

Played with no less than four puppies

Modeled at UVU

Had my car towed while modeling at UVU

Started two crocheted beanies and tossed one of them

Listened to a lot of Broken Social Scene and 808's and Heartbreaks

Decided to live

And talked on the phone to some of my very best friends

some things

I have gray hairs and I'm only 21.

Every time I go into a Wal Mart my legs get sluggish and I feel depressed. As I venture further into the store, my cortisol levels sky rocket and I begin to hyperventilate.

Each morning I hope with my heart that Anders Loves Maria will be updated. It's been a bit scattered lately.

Tonight I found out Avery's personality type just happens to be my soul mate. It all makes sense now.

I just want to go back to Australia all day every day. That or curl up in my bed never to be seen again. Australia really does sound so much nicer though...

With the new semester starting, I'm deeply envious of my friends who are in school. I need to get back to learning and thinking and doing.

I see photos everywhere, but I never have the guts to take them.

Some days I love everyone. But most days I hate them all.

1. 2. I have a definite speech pattern.

I am in desperate need of sleep.

After Christmas

Well, Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus everyone. It's late, I know, but I've been busy/tired.

How the kings and queens celebrated a full 12 days of Christmas, I will never know. We celebrated for roughly 5 days. By the 4th, fatigue had set in. Each of us took a 4-6 hour nap Saturday and fell asleep relatively early... wait... no... 3am doesn't count as early does it? Well... we slept anyway. And today just the idea of working makes my eyes close on their own.

But I have to say, tiring or no, this Christmas season was better than I expected. I'd never spent a Christmas away from my family before - and admittedly I was a little teary eyed and homesick Christmas morning - but all in all I feel like Christmas was full of cheer and joy and livers now a little worse for wear. This nerdy group I call my friends has grown on me quite a bit over the course of the past three months. I love them like family. Playing Wii with the Moores was like being around my own siblings, with the added bonus of cussing. And Ray and Nicole took care of those of us who are vegetarians. The veggie sausage was delicious. Ray's stories were very good. I'll treasure that piece of paper for a long time yet. Cade STILL needs to come play Clue with us so we can open that Scotch, but I'm just glad he came and liked his ship in a bottle kit. This holiday was truly a success. I seriously wish Olivia could have been there, but at least she'll be home soon!

My Christmas gifts this year were spot on. My favorite gift from John-Ross was definitely the Michael Jackson music videos. Klaus Kinsky the gold fish is pretty awesome too though, I must say. My dad's family sent me TimTams and some other junk food (they know me too well). I'm still waiting for our fussy mailman to bring the package my mom sent.

I'm excited for New Years' Eve. We're going to two dance parties I think. Mainly I'm excited for 2008 to be over already. It's been a seriously tumultuous year. Far from what I expected. Hopefully 2009 will be better. Or a little calmer at least.

Sometimes, you just make me soooo happy.

I really want to make a post about all the friends I love and am thankful for lately. There are more than this, but I want to mention these people specifically just for being there and chatting with me and being so all around lovely, particularly this past week. In case they weren't sure. In no particular order, they are:

Celia
John-Ross
Elisa
Amalia
Ray
Ryan
Olivia
Bob
Ben
Dane
Andrew
Avery
Toby*
Sego*



*I know, they're dogs. But I love them just the same. They're so nice to me when I'm sad haha. I'm really glad we have them.

That's all. Just a who I'm thankful for list.

some ranting, some raving

I haven't been updating this as much lately. I was talking to Elisa the other day and I admitted I've stopped writing in here because it stopped being mine a while ago. The fear of who was reading it, the idea of writing to and for other people frightened me and so I began to feel myself unworthy of writing in my own meager little blog.

So, if you don't like it, bugger off. I'm going to try to write more anyway. Because honestly, I need it. I bottle too much up when I don't write regularly.

I'm feeling pretty weird tonight. I think it's stemming from a few things:

1) I hate my job. A lot. So much so that I've started a work day count down until I can go back to school. 98 days left. When I do go back to school, I'm going to have to find a part time job somewhere else, and I'm ok with that. I want to be able to afford school though, so I've got to save up as much money as possible. I've decided to start donating plasma twice a week. It's good money and I'll be helping people (who work for the big bad pharmaceutical companies... but still). I hate needles, so I'm really hoping I can go through with this. It'll pay rent each month if I can.

2) Our house is a mess and it's driving me crazy. I'm not always the neatest person. My family knows this. I can be messy as all get out. But I'm also a germ-o-phobe. This may sound weird, but let me explain. There's a difference between my germs and other people's germs (to me obviously. I don't mean that in a neurotic, "my germs are better than your germs" kind of way). There's a difference between living in my "mess" which is more an assortment of piles that I've strategically placed and know the contents of in depth; and living in someone else's mess, unable to find my other shoe or that tank top I just got last week or the hat I took the tag off this morning. And our carpets are disgusting.

I've called a cleaning company to have them come help us clean deep since none of us seem to know how to really scrub a shower or a kitchen floor or a toilet. And I've called a Chem Dry down here to come clean our carpets right after Christmas. I'm hoping this will make me feel better about where I live. Because as is, it's stressing me out so much that I can barely think about anything else when I'm home, but it's so overwhelming I can't seem to start on it in any direction.

3) I just want to learn to sew but the mess we have everywhere and the fact that I can't bring myself to do anything at home but obsess over how messy it is or watch movies or sleep means I haven't been focusing on it like I'd like to be. I want to get my skills up to at least intermediate so that I can take the intermediate and advanced classes as BYU this Spring and Summer, but if we don't get this place under control and my desk cleaned off and my little craft area set up, I'm not going to be able to get it done. I've started sewing lessons but the past two weeks just haven't worked out and I'm starting to get frustrated with it.

4) I'm not spending nearly enough time reading or finding new music. Two things I love and used to do regularly but these days just don't seem to make time for. It's driving me nuts. Every time I scroll through my Ipod I get annoyed.

So, those are the things bothering me in order of importance. The job thing is 98 work days away from being solved. The clean thing is hopefully 21 regular days away from being solved, or at least taken care of for a little while. The sewing thing will hopefully work itself out once the messiness does. And I'll just have to take more time for reading and music surfing now and then.

Ok.

Problems identified, plans made.

In good news: I like John-Ross. I like my friends. I love my roommates. Elisa's almost convinced me to join 24 hour fitness because they have a pool that's open 24 hours a day (!!!). I love weekends. I love discussing projects with Olivia - we're going to have a booth at a hip craft fair in the spring. I'm off of accutane and glad for it! (just a few more months and I can start getting my eyebrows waxed again. yessssss). I'm nearly done with my year of depression meds then I can go back to being an N instead of an S. Or maybe my full S will come out, who knows. Crappily great and greatly crappy 2008 is nearly finished. And Christmas is almost here!

All very good things.

That's life for now I guess. A little yin, a little yang.

Happy Tofurky Day!

Today marked my first Thanksgiving as a vegetarian. If I'd been with a lot of meat eaters, I may have been a little nervous, but being with my two other vegetarian roommates and Celia who only eats poultry anyway, it was the easiest vegetarian feast I've ever enjoyed!

Between the four of us we made food for roughly 86 people. We had green bean casserole, broccoli and cheese casserole, buttered asparagus, apple and cranberry dumplings, yams with marshmallows, vegetarian stuffing, mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy, poppy seed rolls, regular rolls, cranberries, and pomegranate flavored Sprite. We forgot to thaw the Tofurky so actually we'll be eating that either tonight or tomorrow. But seriously, I think we're going to end up eating all this for about three weeks. And we haven't even started on the pies. We've got like four pumpkin pies, a berry pie, an apple pie, some apple strudel, and pumpkin muffins. SO MUCH FOOD.

And here's the thing, I've got two more Thanksgivings to attend. One tonight at Ryan's (I'm bringing mashed potatoes and one of my homemade pumpkin pies) and one tomorrow with John-Ross's grandparents. Intense!

Tonight, at 1am, I'm going to Mode with the roommies for the 30% off sale. Then to Coal Umbrella for 35% off of everything there as well.

And tomorrow it will be time to get a Christmas tree. I'm staying in Utah for Christmas since I'm a grown up now with a real job and not much vacation time. I can't believe its so close. I've got my Christmas presents for everyone all picked out already. I will not be taken by surprise this year like I was last year. No way, Monet!

Well, it's about time to start warming the potatoes and gravy for Ryan's. I'm really excited for this installment of Big Kids Thanksgiving. I love my friends. And get together at Ryan and Cade's are always fun. Plus, Ryan's quite the cook from what I understand. Although I won't actually be able to eat the turkey... I'll probably bring some Tofurky along for the ride.

Other than a few snags, today has been and will continue to be a pretty good holiday. My roommates are like my family. I love them. They're what I'm thankful for the most today.

Parties, People and Precipitation

Its raining. And the drops against the window are music to my ears. Living in Western Washington for 20+ years has bred in me a love for dark, dreary, clothes soaking precipitation. Its when I feel most at peace.

This weekend has, by far, been one of my best. Friday night was Christmas in October. I was Daria and JR was Trent. Favorite costume of the night was Ray's. Who dressed up as a gay Jewish DJ. He pulled it off fantastically. His crocheted ringlets were probably my favorite part. And might I add that Ryan's home made cider was some of the best I've had.

Last night was the Toga Party. I found a way to tie my toga that meant I really could go without having to wear a tshirt or shorts underneath. And it stayed tied all night, no slippage or loosening. Those Greeks really knew how to party. I tell you what. The music selection made me wish Joey or his friend could be my personal DJ's all day every day. The mix consisted of dance hits from the 60's and 70's. I, of course, boogied the night away along with everyone else. And afterwards the crew watched 300 at Ryan's.

Seriously. From beginning to end, I thoroughly enjoyed this weekend. I don't think it could have been any better. And I can't get over how much I like the new friends I've made in the past month. Utah, I may not always call you my favorite, but you've done great things for me. Thank you. Sincerely. Thank you.

#100

I have found that living in a place I like living and being with people I like being with means I spend much less time wishing I were elsewhere and pretending to be there by perusing the internet. What I'm getting at, is that I finally have time to read. I spend my real world time in the place I used to try to reach with my internet time, which means I spend my internet time reading books I like.

Current: The Savage Detectives by Roberto Belano
Next: Darkmans by Nicola Barker
Follow Up: Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon

I feel like I'm finally returning to homeostasis.

Quick Update!

1) I moved to Utah almost two weeks ago now
2) Provo is wonderful
3) Sego rocked my socks, particularly Pierrot Le Fou, The Eden Express and Return to Sender.
4) I love my roommates (two of whom are also vegetarian)
5) I love our two dogs Toby (a Dachshund) and Sego (a cute little German Shepherd-Pincer mix)
6) My friends are fantastic and take good care of me
7) Both Sigur Ros and Why? put on amazing shows. Why? is particularly fun to dance to
8) I finally got a job and it pays $15/hr and is at least full time, if not more. Imma be rollin' in't!
9) MY LOFT BED IS FREAKING AWESOME!
10) I need a new phone (I'm thinking about a Blackberry once I get some paychecks coming in)
11) I do miss some peeps from home
12) But I've met some really wonderful people since moving back
13) I'm happy here. Things aren't perfect, but that's life. And I'm ok with it. I'm where I'm supposed to be. And things are looking up, though admittedly I've got to get this anxiety of mine under control.
14) I'm an ISFP. Look it up. It'll probably explain oodles and oodles about me.

And with that, I love you, I'm sorry I never update. Be well my lovely friends.

places I'd rather be

I think about the last frame in this webcomic almost daily. I find it heartwarming and full of hope.

I'm not really in my usual chipper state these days. I rotate between anxiety, anger and depression. I am not in San Diego. And I'm missing a few key people greatly.

The bright spot in my life is that I'm moving in less than two weeks to Utah. I leave the 20th and should arrive the afternoon of the 21st if my dad drives with me. If he doesn't I'll make the trip in one shot. This wasn't part of my original plan but current life necessitates it. And at least I'll be there in time for Sego.

Sigh. I just have to make it through the next two weeks then hopefully things will start looking up again.

Not a shopping blog, Ross.

Fall is here. Tonight was crispy as I took Avery home. I said goodbye to her. It's probably the last I'll see her at least until Christmas (assuming I come home for that, if not, it might be a year). We chatted all evening while I began the dejunking process. I have five garbage bags of old letters, photos, mix cds, clothes, and just plain garbage - anything with a negative conotation really. I'm ready to let go of the baggage.

If need be, I could have my entire room packed into my car by the end of tomorrow. I can't tell if this makes me feel better or worse. Or maybe just the same. Lighter though. That, for sure.

I'm anxious about applying for schools. I'm worried about saving up enough money to support myself without any help from my parents. I'm panicking about finishing my Book of Mormon class. I'm nervous about all the changes happening and overanalyzing even the simplest things. But even so, I'm happy I'm finally moving forward. I'm tired of living someone else's idea of my life. I'd like to practice being me the way I see myself.

Whatever that means.

San Diego in 7 days. It's going to be so fun. And a welcome break from my worries. After that, it's just a matter of being patient until my move. I hope I can make it.