Damn you Free Willy!

Alright, for tonights blog we have a special guest, one Avery Ann Berschauer. Last night we got into a discussion concerning whales. For roughly half an hour. And the following is what we came up with. I think you'll find it makes a lot of sense when you really think about it:

What is the movie that defines most people of our generation's childhood? None other than "Free Willy!" It was not just children who worshiped this movie. People of all ages could not get enough of that lovable Orca, Willy. Filled with friendly sea creatures; an unforgettable song by Michael Jackson and themes of family values, friendship and integrity, this movie spoke to the masses.

"Free Willy" was the answer to millions of good, strong Christian families' prayers. Finally a movie came along that children wanted to watch and parents approved of. The only way for this movie to have been even more fulfilling for these Christians would have been for Willy to have turned out to be Jesus Christ. Talk about the twist! Jesus does return but in the form of a whale. Makes perfect sense. Whales have been used before in the Bible to teach lessons. Willy is Jesus and he has come to tell everyone to love one another and that Christianity is the true religion of the world.

Now obviously, this did not happen, but think of what our lives would have been like if that had happened. There would have been an entire generation of children who lived moral lives because Willy, I mean Jesus, had reached out to them in cinematic format. Crime, underage drinking, teenage pregnancy, and drug use rates would all be down. We have to be realistic and not say that these things would not go away. I mean, what about the kids that did not hear Willy's message of love and leading a Christian life? Instead of going to church they would be shooting up and having unprotected sex. Naughty! Naughty! Willy would not approve.

There was still hope though! Willy was a real whale that resided at the aquarium in Portland, Oregon. Millions flocked to see Keiko, the star of "Free Willy." I was one of these people. I ventured down to Oregon with my parents to meet the most famous Orca in history. I had dreams of being able to communicate with him. I wanted to be Kieko's best friend. Willy was a fictional whale, but Keiko was legit! Wide eyed and innocent, I was about to meet my destiny. Keiko was in the tank directly in front of me. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. This moment was about to happen. I knew that seeing Keiko would definitely be the crowning moment of my life. Forget my graduation or wedding day, this was a big milestone!

But then some thing happened. What could be the worst thing to a little girl who expected this to mean everything to her? Keiko made it very clear that I meant nothing to him. Turned out, Keiko was a diva. He hung out on the opposite side of his large tank most of the day and every 20 minutes he would make a lap of the tank. That cocky bastard! Yeah, I bet he liked hearing the applause and screams of the adoring children, but he didn't give a damn about them. So easily he forgot about how he got so famous. His public made him who he was, especially the little people, aka children!

From that moment on, I was jaded and hated Keiko.

I caught wind that years later there was a plan to "free Willy." Millions of dollars were raised to release Keiko back into the wild. Oh! That is rich! Just what that snob needs, more publicity. Here is the kicker though. Turns out Willy did not want to be free so much. He did not respond well to his natural surroundings and did not survive long in the wild waters of Iceland. My theory is that he died due to a lack of attention. Karma is a bitch, huh Keiko?

Which leads me to this conclusion:

If Willy had just been Jesus Christ in whale form and was actually nice and not an oversized blowhole, I would have lead a clean, moral life! I would feel compassion for the world and would want to spread pure, sweet Christian love instead of being on this downward spiraling path to Hell! Damn you, Willy! Damn you! You could have saved a generation, nay a civilization, but you decided to stay on the other side of your tank!

NOTE: Keiko may not be the correct spelling of the whale's name, but I did not feel he was worth googling to find the actual spelling.

EDIT: I would like to point out to anyone reading this (because I didn't make it very clear earlier) that this was written by Avery Berschauer, not myself. While I wish I was clever enough to voice our opinions the way she does, she's the one with the magical tongue (oooh YEAH :P) -Pamela