Just listen to Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses.

I'm going to bitch/whine for a minute. Because I'm grumpy and grinchy and bah-humbuggy and because I've decided I can. And if you feel like I'm being mean to you because you've done exactly what I'm talking about - either to me or to someone else you know - well, suck it up and take it like a man. No need for pouting, just try to shape up so that next year you don't end up with a lump of coal that looks eerily like a long lost friendship.

Why do people think that because I'm single and home alone this holiday that the only thing I could possibly feel like doing is picking up their slack?* Is it because I've made grand gestures about wishing, more than anything else, that this holiday I'd be able to do the same crap I do every other day of the year? (Namely taking care of people's pets, clothes, dishes, appointments, hair, groceries, etc. etc.) Because if so, someone should have woken me - I was obviously talking through a deep slumber that somehow transfered me into your own dream world.

Because honestly, the very last thing I want to do on my little lonely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, is take care of all the little things you either didn't have time to do, forgot about, or just planned out very poorly. I don't want to clean up after your animal. I don't want to do your dishes. I don't want to babysit. I don't want to rearrange my schedule because earlier or later or now or anytime OTHER than the one I requested works better for your wife or wait your brother, oh actually your sister-in-law, no, now your cousin. I don't want to dig through your piles of crap to find something you forgot to arrange beforehand. I don't want to deal with things you've left at my house because you were too lazy or just forgot to take them with you and now you just don't feel like picking them up. I don't want to do your errands for you. I don't want to take over your responsibilities just because YOU want a break and I obviously don't need one for whatever reason you've justified in your me-centered brain this Christmas.

I do all those things listed above the other 363 days of the year. Really. If you don't believe me, let me leave for a week while you continue to come over to my house and make messes and announce your usual requests and not clean up after yourself, or anyone else for that matter, and we'll see where it lands you. I promise, it won't be a pretty site.

I have the next week and - almost - a half off. And I better not get one single request from anyone. Talk to Adam. If he says he'll do it, then fine, but don't ask me. Because I won't. For the next 11 months, I will be attending school and work each week a total of 70 hours combined. After the new year, I'll get back to dealing with all the crap you're too self centered and blind to deal with yourself. But for now, I just want to enjoy my one last week off in peace because I obviously didn't get a Christmas Eve or Christmas break in the meantime.

*As a side note, I do realize that my worst enemy in this scenario is myself. Because I'm so absolutely terrible at saying no, and because I thought that somehow, magically, everyone's requests would simply stop for the holidays since so few people are (or were supposed to be) in town. I was sorely mistaken. I severely overlooked people's ability to text, IM and call in requests from hundreds of miles away. And my inability to say no has landed me here, busy with other people's problems on my two most cherished days of the year**. Next year, I'M going out of town. Somewhere without cell phone reception. And I'm putting my house on lock down so that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can leave me a big mess to come back to.

**And as another side note, I'm really sad that my favorite holiday and two favorite days are so miserable this year. I didn't even have enough money to get a tree and hang my decorations. If I'd had even a little bit extra, I'd have gotten one and wrapped a few things I wanted this year for myself just to have something to wake up to tomorrow. As it is, I have nothing to put in my stocking, no tree with lights to look at while sitting in the warm dark, no special Christmas breakfast, not even cards from my family to open. And it would have been ok, really it would have, if I'd at least been able to do with this holiday what I wanted, but I haven't even been allowed to do that. I've spent it resentfully doing things for people that I didn't want to do but did anyway because I can't say no and because... well... I love them. Even if I don't exactly like them very much right now. I'm heartbroken and frustrated right now.

it's that thing

adam's playing this new song he wrote, and i've been feeling nostalgic for days and suddenly i kind of feel like crying. not necessarily a sad cry. just a times-now-gone cry. i tend to miss people years or even decades after they've gone from my life. even the darkest times had bright moments. and i somehow miss them all. the lovely, the mediocre, the tragic. i mourn things that no longer exist, even when their passing was good and natural.

Ben Gibbard, please write another song about my life. I need to know how this mess ends!

So, a little update on my life:
1. I am working between 30 and 40 hours a week and going to school 20+ hours a week. Yeah. Really. I'm at my school working and going to class for 12 hours a day, Tuesday through Thursday. It's insanity!
2. I officially qualify as obsessed with cosmetics. I'll spare you the details, but the summary is: Lush, Sephora, and the M.A.C. Pro Store plus waaay too much money.
3. I'm doing a photo shoot this Saturday that I'm starting to get a bit stressed out about. I'm doing makeup and it's for a website called Shabby Apple. If anyone runs into me in the next few days and I seem out of sorts, blame it on that and some lady things for which I am cursing my insurance company vehemently.
4. Adam and I have decided to get a cat. I am freaking excited. I love animals and sadly Elisa and her doggie are moving out this winter, leaving Adam and I pet-less. So we've decided to get a kitten. I'm not going to lie, about 90% of our decision was based on this video: The Cutest Video of All Time (It really does live up to it's name). Adam has expressed wanting a long haired cat, I think I want short haired. I definitely want it to be gray or white or a mix of both though. So the kitten search will commence as soon as my Christmas break starts and I have more time at home for things other than sleep.
5. On the topic of roommates, Jenee and Dane are moving in downstairs come January and I couldn't be more pleased! I love those crazy kids. And they're talking about possibly getting a pug so kitty (whom I want to name Basket, by the way, which Adam disapproves of) will have a friend. And hopefully they will get along. Friends, not frenemies.
6. I'm really going to miss Elisa.
7. School is really not going fast enough. I'm at 600 hours out of 2000. Night school takes soooo much longer than day school!

That's it for now really. Life is hectic and free time is limited these days but overall I'm enjoying myself and thoroughly appreciative of the people I do see in the moments between darting here and there.

Thank you, David

Me: I was going to be Pamela Adams.
Dave: And now you're Adam's Pamela.

Life is so odd. I find it funny how subconsciously our brains connect seasons to feelings and feelings to people and people to music, et cetera. I've been listening to Sea Wolf a lot lately. And (I don't know which came first, chicken or egg, take your pick) thinking of Brandon, whom I almost married, and met two years and a couple weeks ago.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about knitting him his green scarf for christmas. And humming along to something off of In Rainbows with him laughing at me for singing to the melody rather than waiting for the words. Someone mentioned Eraserhead tonight even.

I looked up pictures and he and Adam could be brothers. Their similarities are striking. Both physically and in their personalities.

But their differences are also extreme. And I think the differences in people are the most important things to note. They're both so wonderful in their own ways. 

I've come a long way in two years. In some ways I'm so much happier. But sometimes I miss so much certain moments that can't be regained. Live, love, lose, move on. That's the cycle. And it's rather beautiful, though heartbreaking at times.

Strings and Ink

So little by little Adam has been moving some of his belongings in. Tonight he asked if he could move his music equipment in. I gave a resounding yes. I love hearing him play and I feel so much better when he feels good. I've been worried about starting work this week because I'll be gone 13 hours a day Tues-Thurs, which means not a lot of time for Adam and I other than sleep time. But I'm a lot less stressed about it now that he's moved all his music equipment in. I feel less like I'll be ditching him during the day and more like he'll have his own things to do here. That and the more furniture we add to the house, the less echo-ey it is.... hah. I didn't think about that aspect of wood flooring when I bought it...

Now that I'm less stressed about being gone so much, I'm kind of excited to start work. It'll be nice to have a steady paycheck again (it's been over six months excluding modeling! Eesh!). And I'll be gaining "salon experience" of a sort. Tonight I'm considering taking a permanent makeup class. And maybe in a few months trying to get a job at a salon doing permanent makeup. I think I'd really like that.

Also, on the topic of permanent makeup, aka tattooing... I think I've finally decided I want this tattoo. I wanted something that represented a departure from the norm, or at least my norm. I considered an empty birdcage with a small bird somewhere on my body, and perhaps I will put a small empty birdcage somewhere, I haven't decided that yet. But I love the tattoo in that picture, including the placement. I think that's exactly where I want it. If not on my right shoulder, then on my left (closer to my heart). When I graduate school I'll probably get a pair of cutting shears somewhere, but I haven't figured out where yet. I think the birds tattoo miiiight be my Christmas present to myself. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm pretty excited to finally have figured out what I want.

A Room of One's Own

I don't know what it means to be a grown up. Actually, I'm not sure anyone does, really. But I'll tell you what makes me feel like an adult today:

Owning all of my own furniture. I don't know why, but I was sitting outside having a cigarette (yes, I smoke on occasion) by myself, and I looked over at the two chairs I bought about four months ago that haven't got felt on the bottoms yet so as not to scratch up the wood floors we just installed, and I realized I own a house full of furniture. I have three sofas (one couch and the love seat are a set even), two chairs that match the living room furniture, a dining room table with four matching chairs, a loft bed with a full sized mattress, and a queen bed to go under it. I own a dresser and two bookshelves. Mops, two brooms, a microwave and a few miscellaneous decorations. I have books that line one bookshelf and movies on another. A television. A computer and the rest of the usual electronic items. It's a pretty nice feeling.

I know I have a long way before I'm anywhere near fully self reliant. But having painted the walls of my house and finally gotten rid of disgustingly pet stained carpets, I have to say, I feel really good about my living situation and the way my life is going.

I have a lot of school to finish, and I can't say I have much money, but I'm headed in a career direction that will support me and probably a family if I end up with one. I have a lot of wonderful friends who look out for me and whom I look out for. A boyfriend who's wonderful and supportive and gets me. And is even willing to spend three days laying wood flooring. Starting next week I'll have a job that lines up with my future plans. And all in all, life is good and getting better. Well done, life. Thank you.

I promise to put up pics soon of the house as it is now. It looks so much better. We still have a small amount of work to do, but compared to how it was even just four months ago, it's pretty near finished.

some loves

Please, right now, download and listen to Down on Love by Sarah Blasko (or stream it on youtube from that link right back there). It's the opening track on her newest album, As Day Follows Night. It's precious and poignant, and I've been listening to it on repeat for about three days now.

Also, I wanted to share this etsy store: verabel.etsy.com. It's darling. Boys, this is the place to buy jewelry for that special hipster/indie girl in your life. Really. I want the Cutting Necklace and the Bird's Nest Necklace so very very much.

the promised land

I have certainly been neglectful of this little blog, haven't I? I apologize.

This is going to be an uber girly, very shopping filled and hair/makeup-centric post, so don't say I didn't warn you.

I went to Vegas about a week and a half ago for the North American Hair Awards (NAHA). I had a half hour chat with Nicholas French about hair shows, got a few hugs and pics with Phillip Wilson, met Eric Fisher, Daniel Holzberger, Vivienne Mackinder, and many, many more. I came back ecstatic about hair, makeup, photoshoots, and fashion/hair shows. I cannot wait to be finished with school and have at least a little piece of knowledge about this industry. Next year I want to be a beacon student and take classes from some of the bigger hair designers and hair school owners in North America. I'm also going to enter the NAHA student category. Basically, I've been inspired. And I can't wait to do something with that inspiration as my experience grows.

While in Vegas I, of course, hit up Sephora. I wanted to go to the MAC store as well, but I decided to hold off until I have my 20% discount card from the MAC makeup class at school. Anyway, Sephora was glorious, as usual. I finally bought some Tarte EmphasEYES black eyeliner. I've been wanting to try this kind of eyeliner out for over a year now but just couldn't make the switch from my favorite (Forever MakeUp AquaEyes). The only change now was the Sephora was out of AquaEyes in black and it's Urban Decay backup 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil and my nub of eyeliner just isn't cutting it anymore. So far, I'm really enjoying my Tarte stand in. The pencil is very very thin, which makes natural looking application easy, but it's also has enough pigment to create dramatic eyes.

Also in my shopping bag was LashFusion XL. Now, I'm pretty picky about my mascaras. I mean, I'm picky about all my makeup, but I've got long, somewhat thick eyelashes, and finding a mascara that truly brings out their potential isn't easy. Givenchy's PhenomenEyes does the trick for length, but I've found it doesn't really make my lashes look fuller. They just get sticky and look a litte clumpy. MAC's PlushLash mascara has been my top choice for natural looking darker eyelashes. It doesn't particularly lengthen them, but my lashes definitely look fuller. Now, though, I've found a combination of the two. LashFusion XL plumps, lifts, and elongates like no one's business. There's protein in the mascara that helps build up stripped down lashes, which means over time my lashes will look fuller and healthier when they're bare anyway (something I've learned in hair school). So far, absolutely no complaints.

A couple of weeks ago (right before Vegas actually), as the only freshman, and thus the only student in school on Monday's usually, I've had the opportunity to model in the Taylor Andrew's MAC makeup class a few times. From my experience there, I've discovered I do, after all, rather like wearing lip color. My lips are naturally very dark pink and finding a blend that has enough pigment to cover and not look weird with my natural shade, but also isn't drying to my sensitive lips isn't easy. So, in my quest to start slow with a bright-but-not-too-gaudy pink, I went to one of my favorite makeup lines for subtlty and beauty: Stila. And I found my match. Their two-in-one blush and lipstick cream in Petunia is bright, fun, non-drying but non-greasy and easy to carry around. It was love at first dab.

My last purchase was a dry shampoo. These are all the rage lately, and I wanted to try one that's highly rated. I don't like the smell of baby powder, so talc was out. And some of the reviews I've read of different brands have made dry shampoo seem less than optimal. Stories of residue, weird smells and left over powder in the hair made me a little wary. But I'd heard excellent things about Oscar Blandi's Pronto Dry Shampoo so I bought some of the spray. It's been interesting. I still definitely prefer shampooing my hair in the shower, but on those days when waking up early just aren't an option, this is a decent stand in. There's no sticky residue, and it smells really nice. My only complaint is the left over powder that can be seen in my hair if I don't spend enough time shaking or brushing it out. I suspect this wouldn't be an issue for lighter colored hair, but mine is so dark that the white powder is fairly visible. If I were Marie Antoinette, this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm not, and it is. Not a huge one, but a mild annoyance at least. Not enough to keep me from using it, but probably not as often as I'd like.

So. Phew. Those are my current makeup reviews.

Up on my list of things to try: Lush Bubble Bars and Bath Melts. Specifically some of the new ones they have coming out soon, like the Casbah Bath Melt ("Powdered ginger, coffee, black pepper and cinnamon leaf essential oil give you a warming, spicy bath, with an opaque milky look"). Sounds great to me! I'd also love to try LaVanila The Healthy Deodorant. A 100% natural, clinical strength deodorant for women. Hopefully I'll get around to these beauties sooner rather than later!

Roundabout Coincidences

Funny little blogging tidbit. So I read {this is glamorous}, which is full of lovely, inspiring photos and blog links. I happened to click on a link to another blog, just randomly, since I don't generally have time to check them all out. And I found Bloom, Grow, Love. I loved the photos the author takes, so I was reading some of her older posts, and saw she had an Etsy store. So I clicked on the link to the store, the first item of which was a set of postcards of Paris in Spring. Beautiful really. They happened to remind me of some postcards I ordered last summer to send to a friend. Some of my favorite postcards of all time! Lovely stormy colors, pearlized paper, enough space to write what I wanted.

And then, as I was scrolling through her other items, lo and behold, there were the postcards I ordered over a year ago! What a small blogging world... wait, what am I saying? There are millions of blogs in the world, many many many of which are photo blogs. Not to mention millions of etsy accounts. So what are the chances of me clicking in a roundabout, non-intentional sort of way, back to a site I visited a year ago? I should think slim to none.

And yet Mr. Beebe's voice from A Room With A View can't help but come into my head. If I'm interested in a particular thing (beautiful things, photography, postcards) is it any wonder I should happen upon already found beauties from people interested in things similar? I don't know. I just don't know. What a happy coincidence though! Thank you, Alicia Block, for taking such wonderful photographs!

On Decorating

So, Elisa and I have been talking a lot about decorating the house. Our landlord is very chill, happy to let us change the flooring and walls to our delight. We're putting in the cheapest fake wood floor we can find at Ikea and then covering it up with area rugs. That's pretty much decided. But what I've been going back and forth on for ages is the color scheme I want. And I think I've finally - FINALLY - decided.

To begin, I'm using this photo to sort of focus my palette. I love bright colors. Especially these shades of bright colors.
















With that photo in mind, I've chosen this as the color for my walls. I haven't decided on a trim yet, though I'm considering a darker shade or a brown, but I really love this color. I've wanted to paint something this colors probably my entire adult life. Why it wasn't the first thing I thought of is actually rather surprising.

Magically, well... ok... not magically, because this is the exact reason I started thinking about these colors together... I've found a beautiful pink couch for only $150. I love it so much! I'm shocked it hasn't been scooped up already by hipster kids in the Salt Lake area. See what I mean?

And to top it off, there are two other couches on ksl that miiiight go perfectly. I want to check them out first because it says they're rocker loveseats?? And I'm not a fan of tippy stuff generally. I'll probably never in my life own a swivel recliner (one because they're cheesy and gross, and two because, well, see above). But the fabric on these couches are perfect. And the colors fit right in with my overall scheme.

If forced to choose, I'd much prefer the orange couch, but our living room is definitely large enough for all three to fit. If I think they match well enough at least.


As for lighting, Greg Nichols gave me the best idea ever! Our ceiling lights are 1) way way way too high to change (the ceiling is about 12-13 feet high) and 2) not very good at lighting the living room. We of course have the option of floor lamps. Which have worked ok in the past. But I find them annoying to move around and not great at filling the whole room with light.

So instead, I want to string bulbs back and forth, hung from the thick trim that sits about 3 feet below the ceiling (I'm too lazy to take a photo or else I'd just show you). It would be something akin to this but strung closer together. We'd do it in the main part of the living room, possibly in the back part as well (by the entry). I'd probably add some floor lamps too, but at least we'd have some light coming from the ceiling. And fun lights at that.

And the dining room. Well. That I'm still working on. I'm not sure if I'll paint the walls the same color throughout or change the color scheme a bit. Elisa and I have talked about possibly doing Japanese or Indian style seating. I've been mulling it over. On the one hand, it means I only need to buy a table, no chairs. And I think it could look very nice. On the other, we have a dog. And I don't like the idea of Sego being so close to the area we eat. If that makes any sense. Fur and everything considered. So that's still up in the air. Mainly it will come down to what I can afford I suppose.

Oh, and art! I'd love to cover the walls as much as possible in art drawn/painted/photographed etc. by our friends. I'm really really excited about that!

And that's all I've got so far. I wanted to write all this down though before I forget about it or lose my vision :) Let me know what you think, if anyone's reading this.

8 things thing

Well, I've been tagged (there's a first for everything I suppose). And unlike the 25-things-about-me facebook phenom that I vehemently refused to participate in, I'm actually going to fill this one out. Mainly because I'm waiting for my laundry to be done, and, well, Jillian-Anne's blog is one of the few I look forward to reading :)

8 things I look forward to:

* starting cosmetology school in June

* going back to Aus some day

* owning a charger for my Macbook again so I can stop mooching off Elisa (I yub you Eesa)

* not being dirt poor for a little while (yessss! to student loan money)

* going home to visit my fam sometime this summer

* furniture! and paint! and wood floors! (June June June June June)

* Harry Potter 6

* watching O'Grady with John-Ross

8 things I did yesterday:

* played with Sego

* watched Ryan, Olivia, and Joe weed the garden (because I'm a slacker)

* listened to some Craig David (bahaha. but seriously.)

* cleaned out my cupboard in the kitchen

* got some soul shaking hiccups that took ages to get rid of

* interviewed for a job I don't really want but definitely need

* facebook stalked (i know) <- Me too, J. Me too.

* watched some 30 Rock

8 things I wish I could do:

* clean anything and everything with the snap of a finger

* apparate

* travel the world in a year

* be done with school (cosmetology and my BA)

* play an instrument well enough to be in a band

* be completely self sufficient in a house far away from the rest of civilization

* own a puppy

* grow my hair out faster

8 shows I watch:

* Gossip Girl

* 30 Rock

* Dexter

* It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

* Arrested Development (well, the DVDs anyway)

* O'Grady (also no longer on the air, but one of the best cartoons ever)

* The Simpsons (only the old seasons now and then though)

* uuuuuuh... I can't think of anything else. Soooo.... my life. I watch my life.

Just some rambling

So our house looks lovely. Well. Clean anyway. Thanks to a lot of help from a lot of people. Next up is wood floors and new paint, but I suspect that'll be waiting until June.

Todays Figure Drawing Session went pretty well. Smaller than I'd hoped, but I think it'll grow as we get the word out. I got some great ideas about where to advertise, so I'm going to work on making a nice, permanent poster and flyers to put out all over Utah County. Wish me luck! 

In other aesthetic news, I've been having Sephora withdrawals lately. Something about the approach of summer, and feeling the need to change makeup styles and processes. I'm in need of some non-irritating, non-sticky, hydrating spf 30-50 sunblock. I'm also in need of some new perfume. And I'm to the butts of my favorite eyeliner. I haven't had money for that kind of thing in what feels like years. 

I'm also craving Aritzia lately. Their stock changes so rapidly that they never put lines up on their website. So going to the store is the only way to get my fix. And unfortunately that would entail going to Washington. Which thing I'd like to do, but am not doing.  

I think its a good thing I've finally made the decision to go to hair school and follow through with it. I think I'm going to feel more at home with all the "hair school girls" than I ever expected. Hopefully. And I'm going to one of the best schools in Utah as far as I'm concerned. 

That's all the babbling about nonsense I've got for today. Till next time, kids.

It's time, can you feel it? I'm making a change.

So, first of all, the way things are falling into place is uncanny. Elisa and I decided to stay in our house despite the odds against us, and so far we've managed to overcome most of them. I've got a meeting with the landlord tomorrow, which will decide things for sure, but I'm not worried. If the furniture, and roommate and basement apartment situations are any indicator, I'm positive it will go well. Particularly with my parents' help.

There have been an inordinate amount of ups and downs these past few weeks. But I have to say, the ups have been astronomical. Life works out. Life is good. I have a lot of wonderful, loving people in my little Provo world and beyond, and the list just keeps growing. I'm so appreciative of them all.

Our house is in a disarray right now, and I'm leaving Sunday for Washington. I won't be back for a month. But I suspect when I do come back, and when we get to work and fix this place up, it's going to feel more like home than any place I've lived since moving, post high school graduation. I'm excited. Incredibly excited.

I'm deliriously tired and deliriously happy. It's bed time and what better way to fall asleep than drifting through the list of my blessings? Thank you, life.

ginger ale cough drops make my sick life ok

Mariee Sioux
Marissa Nadler
Diane Cluck
Vashti Bunyan

A yes and a yes and a yes.

Music in headphones is so much better. I'd forgotten.

Tomorrow:
Clean off my bed so I have a full bed to sleep on, not just half of one
Listen to loads of music
Sort laundry
Color in my coloring book
Read a bit from A Room With A View. Just because.
Finish something or other

iesntfpj

So the whole personality type thing has gotten a bit out of control. That being said, I really like ISTP's. That being said, I'm ridiculously happy (Kristi said glowing. But that's subjective).

I've been awake most of the night (morning) coughing, but even so, it's been a lovely past ten hours.

I love a lot of people in Utah (you most of all, C). I love a lot of people all over the world. Being able to take care of a few of them makes my heart soar. Every time I say or text the L word to one of my girlies I get a little giddy and light. It's good to have people to count on, people to love, people who expect good from me. It keeps life worth living.

So there you have it. Just a little bit of fluffy goodness. Now back to bed. Good night (morning).

What in the woooorld?

I've had a surge of anonymous comments on blogs I posted over a year ago. And a lot of them range from mildly to moderately critical. Who is taking a random girl on the internet so SERIOUSLY? Blogs are for rambling about junk no one actually cares about. MIRite?

I guess I should be glad people are reading though... hmmm.

I'll love you on your birthday, I'll love you better than them.

Alright. So. I slept from 2 to 7 this afternoon/evening. Ridiculous. And my real problem is that it's now 11:46 and I'd rather be sleeping than sitting up alone in my house, but I'm just not tired.

I've been on another kick of listening to all female artists. Laura Veirs, St. Vincent, El Perro Del Mar, The Bird and the Bee, Inara George, The Blow, Eisley, Psapp (mostly female), etc.

I also have to admit, I fiiiinally got around to listening to She & Him. And I wasn't all that impressed. I guess I was hoping for something closer to M. Ward. I like Zooey's voice I guess, it just... wasn't my cup of tea. Maybe I'll change my mind. I don't know.

The new Bird and the Bee album, Ray Guns Are Not Just the Future, however, is lovely! I've had songs from the album stuck in my head every day for a week (today was mainly Diamond Dave). Love Letter to Japan reminds me a lot of a Spice Girls song. But mellower. And thus, I love it. I liked Polite Dance Song on the ep, and hearing it on the album hasn't lessened my love. There's a good chance I'll get tired of the poppiness of this album just like I did on Inara's past albums, but for now, I'm happy obsessing.

March 4th 2009

22.

best. birthday. ever.

I still wear my purple coat.

Sometimes I really miss people who don't exist any more.

Ordinary Super Powers

At night, when I can't sleep because my thoughts are wandering, I focus on really specific things in order to quiet my mind. I'm sure that's common enough among people, but let me tell you the real part: The things I focus on? Super powers. What super powers I'd have, what caveats would come with them, and how I'd use them to change my life. Now, I'm not talking about flying or being invisible. I'm talking about "realistic" super powers..... whatever that means.

Like, I guess generally they're really useful super powers but just for me and my immediate surroundings. Lately, for instance, I fall asleep thinking about having the ability to move anything, no matter how microscopic, from one place to another with a snap of my fingers, and the power to change the color or pattern of absolutely anything already existing. My limits: I have to be able to see or very explicitly envision the from and to locations of the things I'm moving, and in the case of colors, the thing has to already have a color to it. I mean, I can't make air turn purple, but I can change the color of the carpet or a tshirt or a wall. And in both cases, I can't create and delete anything. I can only change/move them.

These would come in extremely handy in the case of our house. See, I'd move all the dog pee and dust and dirt and ick molecules from the floor/couch/walls/sink etc into the toilet, then flush it. And I'd hang up all our clothes and put away all our stuff exactly where it belonged. And THEN! because our carpet would be at least clean (though still missing small chunks because I can't CREATE molecules, only move existing ones... although maybe I could patch it with my moving powers... hmm... something to think about tonight...) I could change the color of it, the walls, our couches and everything else to create a comfortable, asthetically pleasing, paradise of a home. I could even do things like buy a nice frame with a crummy picture in it from DI and then snap and voila! masterpiece on our wall!

I feel these two, simple, unassuming super powers would make my life so much easier. And see, they'd be small and insignificant enough that theoretically speaking, I'd never be hauled in by the CIA to see how they could use me to control the world. I'd just get to live my life almost the same way I am now, but it would be cleaner and cuter! Who could ask for more?

Next time: When super powers just aren't enough; planning out my 3 wishes in such detail that there would be absolutely no negative loopholes (a la The Monkey's Paw).

Week in Review

This week I:

Cut my bangs and hair much much too short

Felt utterly hopeless

Overcame my hopelessness without meaning to or trying

Decided against writing a 25 things list despite my many tags

Saw Australia (the movie) and missed the place of the same name miserably

Loved my roommates

Adored Cade and Gheybin's new place in Salt Lake

Played with no less than four puppies

Modeled at UVU

Had my car towed while modeling at UVU

Started two crocheted beanies and tossed one of them

Listened to a lot of Broken Social Scene and 808's and Heartbreaks

Decided to live

And talked on the phone to some of my very best friends

some things

I have gray hairs and I'm only 21.

Every time I go into a Wal Mart my legs get sluggish and I feel depressed. As I venture further into the store, my cortisol levels sky rocket and I begin to hyperventilate.

Each morning I hope with my heart that Anders Loves Maria will be updated. It's been a bit scattered lately.

Tonight I found out Avery's personality type just happens to be my soul mate. It all makes sense now.

I just want to go back to Australia all day every day. That or curl up in my bed never to be seen again. Australia really does sound so much nicer though...

With the new semester starting, I'm deeply envious of my friends who are in school. I need to get back to learning and thinking and doing.

I see photos everywhere, but I never have the guts to take them.

Some days I love everyone. But most days I hate them all.

1. 2. I have a definite speech pattern.

I am in desperate need of sleep.

Odds and Ends

I check the Provo Craigslist Missed Connections every week or so on the off chance someone has written something about me.

My favorite albums of 2008 were For Emma, Forever Ago (Bon Iver); Lust, Lust, Lust (The Raveonettes); Starfucker (Starfucker); Some Are Lakes (Land of Talk); Oracular Spectacular (MGMT); and Devotion (Beach House).

I'm not living up to my potential.

I secretly enjoyed Happy Sumo more than I should have. It's not even real sushi. It's (delicious) overpriced Americanized fish, seaweed and rice.

I found this website fascinating and very helpful in my new quest to overcome depression and anxiety.

I love Toby even though he's a jerkface.

That is all.