Sidenotes

I still get peevish when I want to wear something of mine a past roommate has taken. Mostly hats, shoes, and a smattering of American Apparel goods.

If you're a declared "film major," you should probably know something about film. And not just the billion dollar movies that top the box office every weekend.

When a haircolor doesn't turn out the way you expected, the first rule, according to Milady's Cosmetology text book, is "Stay calm. Do not panic." I find this is also true when life situations don't turn out the way you expected. Sometimes I forget the first rule.

I find I'm a "quiet music listener." Something my parents probably would have disputed in my teenage years. But many car rides with various "loud music listeners" later, I am led to believe I really do prefer music to be played quieter than most.

I'm worried about my grandma.

Although I don't play video games all that often (Farmville excluded), I tend to become obsessive about ones I do play. I cannot stop playing or thinking about playing until I've beaten the game. It's a compulsion.

I'm starting to really like Anime (though I've only seen a little). Please don't judge me. (Or do, I guess. It doesn't really matter, does it?)

Being a girl is wonderful and terrible.

Wonderful: having maternal instincts that make one more likely to care for and about people.
Terrible: having maternal instincts that make one more likely to feel obsessively protective of people one cares for and about.

Wonderful: the opportunity to create, bear and mother children.
Terrible: including but not limited to pissy, crying, blubbering, bloating mood swings; blood oozing out one's vagina; the tearing of one's genitals in order to produce the above mentioned children, making it not impossible to pee but impossible to clean oneself without the use of a spray bottle because toilet paper is not an option; uncontrollable vomiting from gestating said children; drooping, dripping boobs; and of course, menopause.

Wonderful: the innate love of things that are perfectly miniature, soft, smooth, delicate, and all around adorable.
Terrible: the not so innate, paralyzing necessity to be perfectly miniature, soft, smooth, delicate and all around adorable so other people will love us.

Wonderful: having boobs and hips and all around curves.
Terrible: the ease with which weight is gained and, post-childbearing, is practically inevitable.

These are just a few things.

Now to you boys who want to say "being male is just as hard!" I say:
Yeah, yeah, wet dreams. Spurting semen once every few weeks during your adolescence seems a lot less inconvenient than gushing blood for an entire week once a month from ages 10 to 60.
And unexpected boners? Annoying and embarrassing yes, but more embarrassing than standing up and walking around only to have a complete stranger point out you've got a telltale red stain on your bottom? I think not.
Bringing home the bacon? With the number of stay-at-home moms that are being replaced by stay-at-home dads, I'd say that's bunk.

During my non-crazy-emotional-pms moments, I do actually really enjoy being feminine. But sometimes I wish I was a boy. Sometimes I wish I could have played in the mud and climbed trees without fear, that I could walk around without a tampon shoved inside my purse for emergency moments, that I didn't have to worry about getting my clothes dirty or stained, that a skinned knee was a battle wound to be proud of, not something that made me tear up. It's not easy being a girl. All I can really say, I suppose, is that I'll take what I can get and try to be thankful for the rays of light that seep through the sometimes misery that is being a woman. There are things that make femininity livable, even if they don't exactly ever even out.

I really should be sleeping

I have work early in the morning. But upon my last email check of the day, I discovered a comment on a rather... well... infamous blog post of mine... that my "articles" are getting much better than they used to be. I'm not sure that's true, but I went back to check anyway. And I realized I've had this little blog for two years now. That's much longer than I'd expected. It's been a great little place to air my feelings and share the things I like or love.

I'm still not sure that my posts are getting better, but I'll tell you the main difference I see: I'm actually a real person these days. I'm not trying to be anyone, I'm just me and I'm happy with that. For once. I've come to terms with many of my imperfections, and this past year especially has forced me to face a lot of my own insecurities and weaknesses. I've grown very much since Snappy Little Alligator started.

I had a thought while falling asleep last night. It was this: there aren't very many grown ups in the world, are there? There are a lot of adults who pretend their age matters and that gives them certain rights, but really, those adults are probably more childish* than most. And some think they're so grown up because they've got degrees or some kind of high paying job. But what a grown up really is... well... what I think a grown up really is... is a humble, kind, forgiving person, who has experienced the world in all of its glory and darkness, and can not only face their own follies, but tries with all their might to correct whatever foibles they may have. These grown ups do not make excuses, they do not expect others to do for them what they can do for themselves, they do not waste what precious time they have on things that simply do not matter.

More than anything, I'd like to become one of these people. Not necessarily because it's better, in fact it seems more wearying really. But because now that I've seen the difference between the grown ups and the children, I don't see how I could ever again be ok with acting like a child. The times when I slip back into child mode, I come out of it realizing what a mistake I've made. It's too glaring now for me to go back to the way it used to be.

* I want to note that when I say childish, I do not mean childlike, which in general is a positive term. In this case, child and childish are rather pejorative terms, sadly. I mean that those who are most childish act like spoiled brats who should get everything their way. Few are that bad, but from what I've noticed, most humans are on a sliding scale of childishness, with very very few achieving adulthood. The problem is mostly that no one is aware nor willing to consider their own childishness; they only want to point out some one else's imperfection.

Just listen to Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses.

I'm going to bitch/whine for a minute. Because I'm grumpy and grinchy and bah-humbuggy and because I've decided I can. And if you feel like I'm being mean to you because you've done exactly what I'm talking about - either to me or to someone else you know - well, suck it up and take it like a man. No need for pouting, just try to shape up so that next year you don't end up with a lump of coal that looks eerily like a long lost friendship.

Why do people think that because I'm single and home alone this holiday that the only thing I could possibly feel like doing is picking up their slack?* Is it because I've made grand gestures about wishing, more than anything else, that this holiday I'd be able to do the same crap I do every other day of the year? (Namely taking care of people's pets, clothes, dishes, appointments, hair, groceries, etc. etc.) Because if so, someone should have woken me - I was obviously talking through a deep slumber that somehow transfered me into your own dream world.

Because honestly, the very last thing I want to do on my little lonely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, is take care of all the little things you either didn't have time to do, forgot about, or just planned out very poorly. I don't want to clean up after your animal. I don't want to do your dishes. I don't want to babysit. I don't want to rearrange my schedule because earlier or later or now or anytime OTHER than the one I requested works better for your wife or wait your brother, oh actually your sister-in-law, no, now your cousin. I don't want to dig through your piles of crap to find something you forgot to arrange beforehand. I don't want to deal with things you've left at my house because you were too lazy or just forgot to take them with you and now you just don't feel like picking them up. I don't want to do your errands for you. I don't want to take over your responsibilities just because YOU want a break and I obviously don't need one for whatever reason you've justified in your me-centered brain this Christmas.

I do all those things listed above the other 363 days of the year. Really. If you don't believe me, let me leave for a week while you continue to come over to my house and make messes and announce your usual requests and not clean up after yourself, or anyone else for that matter, and we'll see where it lands you. I promise, it won't be a pretty site.

I have the next week and - almost - a half off. And I better not get one single request from anyone. Talk to Adam. If he says he'll do it, then fine, but don't ask me. Because I won't. For the next 11 months, I will be attending school and work each week a total of 70 hours combined. After the new year, I'll get back to dealing with all the crap you're too self centered and blind to deal with yourself. But for now, I just want to enjoy my one last week off in peace because I obviously didn't get a Christmas Eve or Christmas break in the meantime.

*As a side note, I do realize that my worst enemy in this scenario is myself. Because I'm so absolutely terrible at saying no, and because I thought that somehow, magically, everyone's requests would simply stop for the holidays since so few people are (or were supposed to be) in town. I was sorely mistaken. I severely overlooked people's ability to text, IM and call in requests from hundreds of miles away. And my inability to say no has landed me here, busy with other people's problems on my two most cherished days of the year**. Next year, I'M going out of town. Somewhere without cell phone reception. And I'm putting my house on lock down so that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can leave me a big mess to come back to.

**And as another side note, I'm really sad that my favorite holiday and two favorite days are so miserable this year. I didn't even have enough money to get a tree and hang my decorations. If I'd had even a little bit extra, I'd have gotten one and wrapped a few things I wanted this year for myself just to have something to wake up to tomorrow. As it is, I have nothing to put in my stocking, no tree with lights to look at while sitting in the warm dark, no special Christmas breakfast, not even cards from my family to open. And it would have been ok, really it would have, if I'd at least been able to do with this holiday what I wanted, but I haven't even been allowed to do that. I've spent it resentfully doing things for people that I didn't want to do but did anyway because I can't say no and because... well... I love them. Even if I don't exactly like them very much right now. I'm heartbroken and frustrated right now.

it's that thing

adam's playing this new song he wrote, and i've been feeling nostalgic for days and suddenly i kind of feel like crying. not necessarily a sad cry. just a times-now-gone cry. i tend to miss people years or even decades after they've gone from my life. even the darkest times had bright moments. and i somehow miss them all. the lovely, the mediocre, the tragic. i mourn things that no longer exist, even when their passing was good and natural.

Ben Gibbard, please write another song about my life. I need to know how this mess ends!

So, a little update on my life:
1. I am working between 30 and 40 hours a week and going to school 20+ hours a week. Yeah. Really. I'm at my school working and going to class for 12 hours a day, Tuesday through Thursday. It's insanity!
2. I officially qualify as obsessed with cosmetics. I'll spare you the details, but the summary is: Lush, Sephora, and the M.A.C. Pro Store plus waaay too much money.
3. I'm doing a photo shoot this Saturday that I'm starting to get a bit stressed out about. I'm doing makeup and it's for a website called Shabby Apple. If anyone runs into me in the next few days and I seem out of sorts, blame it on that and some lady things for which I am cursing my insurance company vehemently.
4. Adam and I have decided to get a cat. I am freaking excited. I love animals and sadly Elisa and her doggie are moving out this winter, leaving Adam and I pet-less. So we've decided to get a kitten. I'm not going to lie, about 90% of our decision was based on this video: The Cutest Video of All Time (It really does live up to it's name). Adam has expressed wanting a long haired cat, I think I want short haired. I definitely want it to be gray or white or a mix of both though. So the kitten search will commence as soon as my Christmas break starts and I have more time at home for things other than sleep.
5. On the topic of roommates, Jenee and Dane are moving in downstairs come January and I couldn't be more pleased! I love those crazy kids. And they're talking about possibly getting a pug so kitty (whom I want to name Basket, by the way, which Adam disapproves of) will have a friend. And hopefully they will get along. Friends, not frenemies.
6. I'm really going to miss Elisa.
7. School is really not going fast enough. I'm at 600 hours out of 2000. Night school takes soooo much longer than day school!

That's it for now really. Life is hectic and free time is limited these days but overall I'm enjoying myself and thoroughly appreciative of the people I do see in the moments between darting here and there.

Thank you, David

Me: I was going to be Pamela Adams.
Dave: And now you're Adam's Pamela.

Life is so odd. I find it funny how subconsciously our brains connect seasons to feelings and feelings to people and people to music, et cetera. I've been listening to Sea Wolf a lot lately. And (I don't know which came first, chicken or egg, take your pick) thinking of Brandon, whom I almost married, and met two years and a couple weeks ago.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about knitting him his green scarf for christmas. And humming along to something off of In Rainbows with him laughing at me for singing to the melody rather than waiting for the words. Someone mentioned Eraserhead tonight even.

I looked up pictures and he and Adam could be brothers. Their similarities are striking. Both physically and in their personalities.

But their differences are also extreme. And I think the differences in people are the most important things to note. They're both so wonderful in their own ways. 

I've come a long way in two years. In some ways I'm so much happier. But sometimes I miss so much certain moments that can't be regained. Live, love, lose, move on. That's the cycle. And it's rather beautiful, though heartbreaking at times.

Strings and Ink

So little by little Adam has been moving some of his belongings in. Tonight he asked if he could move his music equipment in. I gave a resounding yes. I love hearing him play and I feel so much better when he feels good. I've been worried about starting work this week because I'll be gone 13 hours a day Tues-Thurs, which means not a lot of time for Adam and I other than sleep time. But I'm a lot less stressed about it now that he's moved all his music equipment in. I feel less like I'll be ditching him during the day and more like he'll have his own things to do here. That and the more furniture we add to the house, the less echo-ey it is.... hah. I didn't think about that aspect of wood flooring when I bought it...

Now that I'm less stressed about being gone so much, I'm kind of excited to start work. It'll be nice to have a steady paycheck again (it's been over six months excluding modeling! Eesh!). And I'll be gaining "salon experience" of a sort. Tonight I'm considering taking a permanent makeup class. And maybe in a few months trying to get a job at a salon doing permanent makeup. I think I'd really like that.

Also, on the topic of permanent makeup, aka tattooing... I think I've finally decided I want this tattoo. I wanted something that represented a departure from the norm, or at least my norm. I considered an empty birdcage with a small bird somewhere on my body, and perhaps I will put a small empty birdcage somewhere, I haven't decided that yet. But I love the tattoo in that picture, including the placement. I think that's exactly where I want it. If not on my right shoulder, then on my left (closer to my heart). When I graduate school I'll probably get a pair of cutting shears somewhere, but I haven't figured out where yet. I think the birds tattoo miiiight be my Christmas present to myself. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm pretty excited to finally have figured out what I want.

A Room of One's Own

I don't know what it means to be a grown up. Actually, I'm not sure anyone does, really. But I'll tell you what makes me feel like an adult today:

Owning all of my own furniture. I don't know why, but I was sitting outside having a cigarette (yes, I smoke on occasion) by myself, and I looked over at the two chairs I bought about four months ago that haven't got felt on the bottoms yet so as not to scratch up the wood floors we just installed, and I realized I own a house full of furniture. I have three sofas (one couch and the love seat are a set even), two chairs that match the living room furniture, a dining room table with four matching chairs, a loft bed with a full sized mattress, and a queen bed to go under it. I own a dresser and two bookshelves. Mops, two brooms, a microwave and a few miscellaneous decorations. I have books that line one bookshelf and movies on another. A television. A computer and the rest of the usual electronic items. It's a pretty nice feeling.

I know I have a long way before I'm anywhere near fully self reliant. But having painted the walls of my house and finally gotten rid of disgustingly pet stained carpets, I have to say, I feel really good about my living situation and the way my life is going.

I have a lot of school to finish, and I can't say I have much money, but I'm headed in a career direction that will support me and probably a family if I end up with one. I have a lot of wonderful friends who look out for me and whom I look out for. A boyfriend who's wonderful and supportive and gets me. And is even willing to spend three days laying wood flooring. Starting next week I'll have a job that lines up with my future plans. And all in all, life is good and getting better. Well done, life. Thank you.

I promise to put up pics soon of the house as it is now. It looks so much better. We still have a small amount of work to do, but compared to how it was even just four months ago, it's pretty near finished.

some loves

Please, right now, download and listen to Down on Love by Sarah Blasko (or stream it on youtube from that link right back there). It's the opening track on her newest album, As Day Follows Night. It's precious and poignant, and I've been listening to it on repeat for about three days now.

Also, I wanted to share this etsy store: verabel.etsy.com. It's darling. Boys, this is the place to buy jewelry for that special hipster/indie girl in your life. Really. I want the Cutting Necklace and the Bird's Nest Necklace so very very much.