Thank you, David

Me: I was going to be Pamela Adams.
Dave: And now you're Adam's Pamela.

Life is so odd. I find it funny how subconsciously our brains connect seasons to feelings and feelings to people and people to music, et cetera. I've been listening to Sea Wolf a lot lately. And (I don't know which came first, chicken or egg, take your pick) thinking of Brandon, whom I almost married, and met two years and a couple weeks ago.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about knitting him his green scarf for christmas. And humming along to something off of In Rainbows with him laughing at me for singing to the melody rather than waiting for the words. Someone mentioned Eraserhead tonight even.

I looked up pictures and he and Adam could be brothers. Their similarities are striking. Both physically and in their personalities.

But their differences are also extreme. And I think the differences in people are the most important things to note. They're both so wonderful in their own ways. 

I've come a long way in two years. In some ways I'm so much happier. But sometimes I miss so much certain moments that can't be regained. Live, love, lose, move on. That's the cycle. And it's rather beautiful, though heartbreaking at times.

Strings and Ink

So little by little Adam has been moving some of his belongings in. Tonight he asked if he could move his music equipment in. I gave a resounding yes. I love hearing him play and I feel so much better when he feels good. I've been worried about starting work this week because I'll be gone 13 hours a day Tues-Thurs, which means not a lot of time for Adam and I other than sleep time. But I'm a lot less stressed about it now that he's moved all his music equipment in. I feel less like I'll be ditching him during the day and more like he'll have his own things to do here. That and the more furniture we add to the house, the less echo-ey it is.... hah. I didn't think about that aspect of wood flooring when I bought it...

Now that I'm less stressed about being gone so much, I'm kind of excited to start work. It'll be nice to have a steady paycheck again (it's been over six months excluding modeling! Eesh!). And I'll be gaining "salon experience" of a sort. Tonight I'm considering taking a permanent makeup class. And maybe in a few months trying to get a job at a salon doing permanent makeup. I think I'd really like that.

Also, on the topic of permanent makeup, aka tattooing... I think I've finally decided I want this tattoo. I wanted something that represented a departure from the norm, or at least my norm. I considered an empty birdcage with a small bird somewhere on my body, and perhaps I will put a small empty birdcage somewhere, I haven't decided that yet. But I love the tattoo in that picture, including the placement. I think that's exactly where I want it. If not on my right shoulder, then on my left (closer to my heart). When I graduate school I'll probably get a pair of cutting shears somewhere, but I haven't figured out where yet. I think the birds tattoo miiiight be my Christmas present to myself. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm pretty excited to finally have figured out what I want.

A Room of One's Own

I don't know what it means to be a grown up. Actually, I'm not sure anyone does, really. But I'll tell you what makes me feel like an adult today:

Owning all of my own furniture. I don't know why, but I was sitting outside having a cigarette (yes, I smoke on occasion) by myself, and I looked over at the two chairs I bought about four months ago that haven't got felt on the bottoms yet so as not to scratch up the wood floors we just installed, and I realized I own a house full of furniture. I have three sofas (one couch and the love seat are a set even), two chairs that match the living room furniture, a dining room table with four matching chairs, a loft bed with a full sized mattress, and a queen bed to go under it. I own a dresser and two bookshelves. Mops, two brooms, a microwave and a few miscellaneous decorations. I have books that line one bookshelf and movies on another. A television. A computer and the rest of the usual electronic items. It's a pretty nice feeling.

I know I have a long way before I'm anywhere near fully self reliant. But having painted the walls of my house and finally gotten rid of disgustingly pet stained carpets, I have to say, I feel really good about my living situation and the way my life is going.

I have a lot of school to finish, and I can't say I have much money, but I'm headed in a career direction that will support me and probably a family if I end up with one. I have a lot of wonderful friends who look out for me and whom I look out for. A boyfriend who's wonderful and supportive and gets me. And is even willing to spend three days laying wood flooring. Starting next week I'll have a job that lines up with my future plans. And all in all, life is good and getting better. Well done, life. Thank you.

I promise to put up pics soon of the house as it is now. It looks so much better. We still have a small amount of work to do, but compared to how it was even just four months ago, it's pretty near finished.